Dear Anita,

I am not really sure if my past troubles affected my relationship. I came from a loving asian family even though my parent’s doesn’t show their affection much but I know they love each other and they love us too. Only had one past relationship before this, my first ex cheated on me as she was older than me and mainly because I was being a doormat to her. Nonetheless, I learned a lot during those times. I did pass on my insecurities from my first relationship to my current relationship but I managed it and communicated with my gf.

What I mean by conversation flow is  that we seldom have playful talks, dirty talks and you know that kind of feeling where you can just talk about anything. This has been a problem that I noticed in the early stages of the relationship and I did communicated it with her but she did not see it as a problem on her side. It is very hard to explain, its like the feeling where you just talk so much and you just wanna talk to each other all night long and then just be comfortable with each other after we have nothing to talk about. But I don’t recall having this feeling with her. When we are silent, I felt weird and a little bit uncomfortable but she’s totally fine with it. Eventually, I thought maybe I was just insecure and thing too much and just ignore this uncomfortable feeling. I think this is the reason why I have that deep connection with her which got me quite bored for quire some time.

Despite all these, I  love her as a person. She is sweet, loving and supportive. But when I ask myself all the time, Am I truly happy? I find it so difficult to answer and the amount of guilt that struck me. I just can’t be happy with her. No matter how hard I tried. I am so tired. She loves me and I know she is willing to accept me back with open arms whenever I want to. But I love her too and I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I did not know love can be this painful and I thought being cheated is painful enough. Loving someone but knowing that you can’t be happy is another level. I guess the saying “Loving someone means letting go” is true after all.