Hi Anita,

That definitely resonates. For the ayahuasca ceremony, he stopped taking Zoloft a couple of weeks prior and then paused after for about a month after. When I think about it, this time was crucial for us to form the bond we still have. I think right after the ceremony my feelings started to grow. He was definitely different, without the medicine. But when the depression hit again he went back to it and I supported him because his health was more important to me. Later we both talked on how the medicine affects him and he is very aware that the medicine makes him feel numb in terms of emotions and he feels apathetic to everything. Which is why his idea is to go to a therapist and combine it with the medicine. He wants to stop taking it in the future, which is why he is trying to become more spiritual and to gain perspective on his condition. But I have seen both sides of him, with and without the medicine and even with the withdrawal symptoms,  it was very difficult.

When we talked about the fighting and making up he understood that it was not healthy and that I was not going to engage in that. He thought I was holding back anger, but I assured him that was not true. I am just simply not resentful and he has never done anything that hurt me. I did communicate being bothered one time that he canceled a date, he never did it again, or one time that he didn’t return a call, he never did it again. For what I understand, he is more used to having fights than having a peaceful time.

I agree that they may be irrational both, but he feels that one is and the other is not.

The thing is he is very confused and I was very clear, now I feel confused. At times I feel that I should leave him alone so he can deal with all his stuff and find his happiness. But at the same time, I love him deeply and I wonder if leaving him alone is going to do him any good. Right now I am focusing on myself, waiting for him to reach out, giving him the space he wants and going slow. Having this post is really what is making me think about our relationship.

Thank you for sharing your experience with zoloft. I really never thought that it could be affecting his feelings before, until we talked about it a few weeks ago.