Dear Anita
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Thank you for your patience in listening to today’s story. You say “Appreciate decency, don’t tolerate indecency.”
Yes, I just read your post to my sister. I was feeling quite similar but unable to word it. I had reached my limit and stated, that I can no longer go up and down and relieve your stress temporarily just to have you cycle and re-cycle. The pattern must end, and it does with actual real help (such as what you said psychotherapy). No one, not me, not anita, not any family member is able to “fix you
I think that brings me to my next point – I am a fixture that must fix everything. Allieve my sister’s pain and suffering, help my mother, fix everyone. I can not take it anymore. Yes, my sister is not my parents, she is young, and in need of help – but that has been more stressful than even my father’s heart condition (which is likely because I truly care about my sister and feel I am her parent – because I have to be).
Funny thing is that my husband and I have a 10 day vacation we are going on tomorrow. He said like clockwork your family is having breakdowns and constantly dragging you (and us) down for support right before a trip.
When we were in Mexico city, my sister texted me she was feeling suicidal, I was there to help her and got her the appropriate person to get to – and she was safe. I am glad she was. But countless other times of things not so drastic. My husband and I have hardly any mental peace. Forget work, he is a surgeon, I am an anesthesiologist. Some may say those careers in and of themselves are stressful. Nope, nothing compared to the burdensome personal life we have consisting of dragging the weight of my family around. Being their saving grace and therapist
My sister, appears she is on a stable path at least for now – I will let that be and I have expressed to her my concerns about my own limitations, and that I too need to participate in self care. She does not know about what is going on with my father.
My parents, well of course I am curious to know how the procedure goes. It can possibly turn into a very serious and grave condition. On the other hand, I do not have any personal impetus to call them and check in on them. IT’s just not there.
Do I feel guilty that instead of being there for them, I am going to fly on a ski trip tomorrow with our friends. I don’t feel guilty – I feel tired. I feel that I don’t want to be there for them and drive the 1.5 hours (drive only) to get there. Nor do I want to do anything. I want peace. I want rest. I want to be able to shut myself off for a bit and restore
I know that I will have fun on the trip, and I have enrolled in daily yoga classes. I will have this time to myself to step away and focus on me. I know I need that and I know I will enjoy it
I feel I am at a crossroads. I want to go down the path of self preservation, I do not want my family to be the anchor that brings me down.
My parents have single handedly ruined the relationship I have with my husband to such a great extent, but still, if you saw us, we have such a great connection and loads of fun. There is so much stress brewing in each of us though from all that has happened and continues to (like this week).
I want to allow myself permission to just be, to focus on me and him, to wake up and say – today I want to relax so I will. I don’t want to talk to anyone having a breakdown. I know it is not selfish, it is just not natural and innate.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 