Dear Lily:

You will be able to focus more on the present when you resolve the issues from the past.

I agree with you that a parent should not inflict physical or other violence on a child, doesn’t matter that it doesn’t draw blood if he hits you not that hard… it is wrong nonetheless. Verbal insults is also wrong, and so is disrespect of any kind.

Reads to me that what happened was that you were mistreated by your father/ others as a child. You naturally felt hurt and naturally, you felt angry. Problem is, the people who mistreated you (ex. your father slapping your face, insulting you,  taking your sister’s side when she was wrong to you), he didn’t correct himself: he didn’t approach you after any of his mistreatments of you, telling you he was wrong and that he will correct his behavior in the future.

Instead, he acted like nothing had happened.

So your anger, still there, naturally and understandably, confused you: made you think that you are the bad person. As in: why am I feeling angry at a person who didn’t do me any wrong?

But he did do you wrong. He just didn’t acknowledge that he did.

Children feel guilty when they feel angry at a parent. Unless the parent tells the child something like: I understand that you feel angry at me. I understand because I hit you, and I shouldn’t have. I am so sorry. I hurt you and I don’t want to hurt you again. I will do everything to not hurt you again.

But he didn’t say that. The man in the other dormitory situation, he mistreated you too, but he acted as if nothing happened. So, you figured nothing happened, no harm done.

Only that harm was done.

I hope that over time, sooner than later, you will be able to determine when wrong is done to you, when harm is done or about to  be done to you even when the person acts like there was no wrong on his or her part. A time when you will not need the other person to agree that he is mistreating you before you believe it is happening.

“how to help myself?”- I hope you do find ways and please, do post anytime.

anita