He wasn’t bringing in any income. From the First week of Dec up until about 2 weeks ago he didn’t have a job.

Being completely honest not trying to be mean but it was his fault. He put all his eggs in one basket for another job that was a long shot and failed to have a plan B and he literally had been doing nothing. He got a job the 2nd week of January. Then he also started doing Uber so when he had ran into some car trouble I told him that since he had done Uber for a full week and got to see how that went. Don’t go to this job making $11 just do that right. He was averaging $15-$20 an hour and I let him drive my car and he would drop me off at work for a week while he waited for his car part etc. etc.

I am about to just say this the bluntest way I can because you know I love him but these are just the facts. As of late its like every third thing that comes out of his mouth is  a complaint, moan and groan, then complain some more. About whatever.

Even with Uber he will complain about the rides being low. I have to explain to him jobs like that (servers, piece work, etc) it about the big picture. I used to work in Medical claims and got paid by the claim. You drive yourself NUTS thinking everyday you are short or you have more or less.  I told him don’t pay attention to that its about what you have at the end of the week or the end of 3-4 days. But he still complains I just let him now.

Or he will complain about his money being low and to me its like YOU DIDNT WORK FOR ALMOST A MONTH AND A HALF!! But furthermore what does he expect me to do about it. I work 40 HOURS a week and find other things to subsidize our income like secret shoppers and things; and I’m not about to more than that just because for some reason you felt like it was okay to go that long without a job OR a plan!

Uber happened because I made it happen and He acts like I have to do all that type of stuff for him. I don’t get that but I just look at it like “ok he does stuff for me that I could do myself” so I move past it.

But even after the first week he didn’t even work 30 hours. I had to have a talk with him like NO, If I go to work 40 hours MY MAN needs to be working at that or more than me. Seriously.

He even told me he missed 2 of his car payments I was shocked considering if you remember he was working all those hours when me and him weren’t that peachy. Where did the money go? I am confused. He said it wasn’t that much and he was catching up before and some other stuff.

Our rent being due was stressing him.

Also I feel like him being unhappy with his weight gain is REALLY starting to overwhelm him.

His moodiness comes off as so spiteful to me that I really need to learn how to just look thru it. Because bad attitudes are contagious. Today he woke up in some silly little mood. I had to really focus all my energy into not flipping out just because of how he acts.

We did get into quite a big argument last week about that topic overall.

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My mom though; let me break that down. So you know when someone close in your life experiences something drastic like having a baby and then for a second just a second you think about babies. Its kind of like that.

She had been with this man for like 3 years. He was great to her they were great together. She told me they argued a bit too but overall they lived a pretty decent existence together. Trips, Dates, Love, he proposed to her in front of a whole Baseball Stadium. THEN BOOM! me and her didn’t talk for a few weeks over the incident with the job thing and the next time I talk to her she tells me they not talking for 2 weeks and then I talked to her again and she said they still hadn’t talked. They didn’t live together so I guess just ghosting on someone is a thing. But I can tell it hurt her but she was just like it doesn’t matter anyways because she has reached out to him and he didn’t respond she said if he can go 2 weeks without seeing or talking to me he can go a lifetime so even if he did call it wouldn’t  matter now.

I thought damn mama. I’ve noticed in women sometimes we reverse role on our moms.

Like I have a friends whos mom was a push over VERY docile. Now she is almost emotionally abusive to her BF because the amount of control she feels the need to have to avoid what she saw in her mother.

My mom has always been a shot caller in her relationships. I’ve never know her to attach her being to a man. She lives for herself. And here my ass is just cannot resist the urge to want to feel loved by a man or get something shoot idk what I’m searching for…

So she just made me think about my level of tolerance in my own relationship; but also the fact that its “too each is own” another women can’t tell you what is too much for you.

You feel it inside I guess.

Especially when its not as cut and dry as “He hits you” or “He curses you out and yells at you”

________________________

Endingggg question I am going to say it literally in context of my life.

Mentally/Physically I have been in better places than the year 2017 and right now.

In hindsight I can really say I was going thru some serious depression (still am) but uncontrollably affecting my everyday actions. My relationship that I was very invested in ended. I gained ALOT of weight. I graduated from college and no longer felt passion for my field.

Sometimes my mind crosses the thought that maybe he was attracted to that person. “Small me” figuratively not literally.

When I felt smaller, when I acted small like everything he did was the greatest and completed me or made me happy since I wasn’t. That fulfilled him in a way too.

Then when I want to be BIG when I want to be who I am. We conflict because to him I’m doing a lot, or being someone I am not when to me I’m just trying to get back to the person I am. He doesn’t feel as needed maybe…

I find it conflicting to see through the idea of  IF I am changing and aging and growing as a 24 year old to not wanting certain things anymore like I used to or is he deterring me from them?

These are all just my thoughts running ramped in my head. Haven’t talked to anyone about this in a while