Racheal,

Numbing is a protective mechanism.  You cannot feel pain that way.  If you shut that part of you down then you cannot feel joy as well.

I realized that recently.  As much as try to mindfully engage with the world around me, to get in touch with my joy, there is a part of me that is still not participating.  I decided to focus on opening my 2nd Chakra where my passion, creativity and sexuality resides to address this issue.

As much as I have worked on being vulnerable and open, especially with people, I know there is a part of me that expects to be hurt or abandoned and therefore there is a shield that is preventing me from feeling fully, to fully let go and allow pain and pleasure.  This is an unconscious belief that is running that part.

I am not depressed.  I just have this life long underlying protective mechanism to keep me from seeing all the colors of life.  They are muted.

This may or may not fit you, your situation, background.

Mark