Hi Rachael,

It sounds like you  have indeed been through a lot and I am wondering whether or not you truly are steering your own happiness at this point or if you are still aiming yourself towards experiences and situations that you already have an expectation that it should give you joy.  On the one hand, you shortly mention feeling empowered and liberated, however, when you mention being in nature, it wasn’t really written from the perspective of how much you love nature, what sort of meaning or connection it gives you, or how you have always had great experiences in it– instead you mention how it’s supposed to be pretty and so you are supposed to enjoy it.  But perhaps you just simply aren’t drawn to nature at this point in your life or at all.

You also mention that despite being in touch with your five senses, you are still dead inside.  It’s possible that despite having the cognitive knowledge that you should be able to be in touch with your five senses and use them to feel joy, pain, sadness, happiness (the whole breadth of the human existence), you’re not truly feeling them.  Having the knowledge of this and actually feeling them daily and consistently on a moment to moment basis are very different.

I went through a very difficult time over the past couple of years that involved a hospitalization after coming to terms with childhood trauma and various abuses throughout my lifetime.  I have PTSD and my nervous system was completely overloaded and in my personal experience, I learned that I had not been feeling anything for decades and had instead been shoving everything down and dissociating from my body and surroundings.  I had to start from scratch and re-learn how to feel everything.  I did not even realize that I hadn’t been feeling things previously.

Like Mark mentioned, if you numb your pain, you also cannot feel joy or happiness.  It sounds like you are really searching for an answer here and it might help you to start tuning into your own experience about what truly feels good for you versus what you think should bring you satisfaction.  Leave your camera out of it for a while and focus on your own experience of what you are enjoying and what you are not enjoying.  I would really recommend starting a mindfulness and meditation practice and to start getting accustomed to just being in the moment without judgement.

You say, “At times, it’s peaceful and the epitome of freedom and other times, it’s cold and ugly and you question what’s the point of long road to real happiness?”  and I would have to say that the point is that you get to know your authentic truth and take care of yourself in a way that perhaps you never got to experience.  Life will always be peaceful and free at times and then cold and ugly other times– this is simply the human experience of being alive.  You cannot have the light without the dark.  If you never suffer and truly feel it while holding yourself compassionately, you won’t be able to also feel the joy and light in the absence of dark.

Sorry that this is a bit long! I hope that you find some nuggets of wisdom in there to help.  I have been in a similar place and know from experience that it can get better!  Good luck; don’t give up on yourself!

Amy