Dear Cat:

This is amazing, 11:11, that is incredible. What are the chances… unbelievable, fascinating. I woke up this very early morning thinking about going to your thread first thing, first, as in 1, and there it is 11:11, yesterday’s posting. I don’t know what to make of it. I know of statistical chances, believe in science and statistics, but this here is making me wonder.

What follows are quotes from your shares, I don’t copy and paste but retype your shares. That helps me absorb and process information. Following this post, a second one will include my input.

“I’m 24…struggling to see my own worth, depressed… It was just me and my sister… my mother having complete control over my father… controlling… She would scream and shout at me and my sister for no reason… she would yell at (father) so he would end up slapping us… It was a very sad household…would often stay at home at weekends … binge eat and then throw it back up. There was no way out for me.

When I was 18… I squatted in Bristol.. went to uni and had a lot of problems with people… and I hated people who would criticize small things… I was extremely honest and naïve- this caused me a lot of problems making friends and maintaining relationships. I had a lot of suicidal episodes and was using drugs…I also went through a lot of love interests/ boyfriends…I still do.

I didn’t talk to my parents for 5 years… I tried to have a relationship with my parents, but they continued to make judgmental comments, and it was too painful to have them in my life… Last year I kept seeing 11:11 everywhere for months… It was a sign that something big was coming…

I got to the front for the band, and as I thought, I met a guy in the crowd… I stayed with him in Chicago for 2/4 days.. He was lonely, isolated, erratic behavior, punk, anarchist etc. We were so similar…

On one of the days I … felt anxious and left the festival and started walking in a random direction… I felt like my brain wasn’t working… I confessed to him that I felt worthless and that I wanted to die. He said he would look after me, and so we went back to his flat… we stayed in the flat together. I felt safer with him… he said one way (to stay) would be if I married him. I laughed but then said yes let’s do it…

I kept doing tarot cards over and over again because I needed to know our future, if we were going to stay together or not…I felt that he was my soul mate and we were the only things that mattered. He was my 11:11.

… I packed up my stuff and left…I stayed with (Jim) the rest of my time in Chicago… Even up until I got on the plane I was wishing that (Clarence) was going to come along and say don’t go, let’s get married and I would’ve- I threw it up to the universe, and if the universe willed it then I was going to do it…

All this has made me realise that I need to live life for me and create a life that I don’t want to escape from…

I believe in 11:11 too: I got a tattoo of it on my wrist in Chicago… I am definitely a free spirit but sometimes this means that I can follow down the wrong path… I feel that most of my life I have been running away from making decisions and putting it up to the universe and following signs, rather than using my own sense of judgment…

I look to the numbers because I am desperate for hope, and desperate that everything that has happened has been for a reason and that my life has meaning…

since being back in England… I put all my energy into putting on gigs and tried to start up a band myself… I allowed myself to be associated with people who weren’t good for me… I am moving away from people in my life who aren’t in it for my best interests, and moving towards people who are genuine, kind and have honest intentions…

For too long I’ve been an open book, hoping that someone will pick me up and understand me. I’ve allowed myself to be open and vulnerable to a lot of people…

When I posted on here last night it felt uplifting- because I knew that the right people were going to hear this story, and help me along my journey… I think far too often I have been looking for answers from people who aren’t spiritual or have faith…

I’ve been surrounded by the wrong kind of people for far too long (!!!) I currently live in a houseshare where my other housemate who lives below is a coke addict… I can hear them from my room. I am currently looking to move out… I would like a band- this is one of my dreams and goals, along with starting a new happy life in Bristol…

I am scared… to face all those emotions that I have felt in the past… emotional overload… It’s almost like I feel guilty for simply living my life or being confident or free because my parents never had that freedom.. if they can’t have it, why should I? They always said I was so lucky to have the things I did and looked sad because they didn’t have it and made me feel guilty… I feel so sorry for my parents not having these opportunities.. deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulders… I can’t remember one time as a child or growing up where I was just allowed to be happy or at peace as everything (I) did was wrong… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself and therefore cut them out of my life etc. It’s the worst feeling in the world…

I have lived most of my life believing that my thoughts/ actions/ opinions are wrong… finding myself just falling in to situations…

I often get judged and labelled as ‘trouble’ just for standing up for myself…I’m going to have a bit of faith in the Universe, as I’m aware now that this town, house, jo does not make me happy, and have faith that I will soon be moving to a place that accepts me for who I am and that I am happy in- like Bristol…

From a young age I was taught to remain quiet, that having an opinion is wrong, and that having my own thoughts and identity was a bad thing… that’s why nowadays I don’t put up with any sort of belittlement/ patronizing from anyone… I do assert myself and speak back if I’m spoken to in a disrespectful way.”

anita