It is affecting me worse as I’m aging.  Not better

Hi Shawn

When I was young I moved 5 times in 12 years and today I’m terrified about the prospect of having to move. I wonder how my young self ever managed to handle all the uncertainty and where that person is now.   What changed?  A loss of innocence? Sure. More experience/memories of how things can go wrong, Yes. Perhaps there is another way to look at it. If History is the best predictor of the future. Whatever was faced was handled even the stuff I didn’t see coming or prepared for… nothing has changed…

In the morning after completing a night compass navigation challenge through woods I retraced the path we took. There was no path, just dense woods and thickets. A route I would never have taken in day light. I wonder how I made it through. Sometimes is better not knowing and just doing what needs to be done.

A master told his students a story about a monk who built a raft to cross a river.  After crossing the monk strapped the raft to his back carried it around with him where ever he went. The next obstacle this monk faced was deep canyon. In stead of unstrapping the raft from his back and using the rope to lower himself down he attempts to climb down with the raft tied to his back wondering why its so difficult… Life changes. Most of our coping methods are created by the age of 10 and we expect them to work for us when were 50, surprised and depressed when they don’t. It takes intentional effort to notice the “raft” we carry, untie it, break it down, discarding what is no longer useful.

Reading your posts, it clear that you have handled everything that has come your way. Sure, some things you might have done differently, or wished you would not have had to face, but you handled them just the same. You will handle whatever comes you way now.

The fear and doubt you have about this this uncertain stage of life you are entering is understandable but does not hold you back. In fact this uncertainty is a door to a path you might never  have imagined yourself taking and doing so surprising yourself.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Open the door.