Dear Anita,

He wanted to meet on Wednesday, I said no. Then he wanted to come by on Thursday, and I agreed but I texted him in the morning that maybe it’s not a good idea and I don’t want it to become an unhealthy relationship again so please don’t etc. He insisted that he’ll be at my home in half an hour but I still said no. He got angry and told me I promised to invite him for a tea, well I said I would but it wasn’t a serious conversation then so I wouldn’t call it “a promise”.. But he asked maybe next week and I said okay. Now I guess he wants it more when I started to resist, which I never did. I asked him why and what does he want, he said I’m his weakness and obviously wants sex but “this one time only”. When I said that’s not gonna happen he said okay, let’s just meet for a tea next week and that’s all. This is so beyond my understanding. Maybe you’re right it’s just exciting and something new for him but still it’s so weird I cant understand how can he want me and not want me at the same time. I won’t lie to you that I won’t let him come here, yesterday I cancelled and I was sure about this but I’m not sure. I want to meditate for couple of days and take some rest, some walks perhaps, it often works well for me and my well being so for a short time I’ll try to distance myself and not think about this.

Things we now talk about are just so so surprising doesn’t it even describe it. I blamed my father my whole life because he was an alcoholic, when I started to recently think about why I changed so much when I was six. Why I started to be so skinny and didn’t want to eat, became nervous. Well, my dad was drinking at this time and woke us up every night. I always knew I was a happy child before I was six. It is easily seen in pictures. But I also found out something when I was 12, after divorce.That my mother was in a relationship with this boyfriend since I was six. Thats when my dad started drinking and my life became miserable. He once said I’m not his child. I know he didn’t mean it, I forgave him this. I know it wasn’t his or my fault. I know he knew I was his child. I know he knew. But I hated him for many years. And he wasn’t strong enough for everything that happened in our lives. I forgave him this. We were both victims of cruel life. We didn’t survive it, and we both didn’t have enough strength. So it’s my hidden anger to my mother and many many more emotions which I cant even name and that are so inconvenient, as we talked earlier right? truth is always inconvenient. I don’t want to even start thinking about this, It makes me sick. It really.makes me sick. Because he’s dead now and I hated him and punished him for all my life, and now he’s gone. How can I live with THAT.