Dear Anita,

He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, and we shouldn’t, because he knows how I feel and we both know it’s not right and how it ends.. then another time he says “Okay let’s just meet and talk, I promise” which I know what it means, he likes the excitement, and forgets about hurting me and the fact that it’s wrong because it’s too tempting. Maybe he’ll forget and we’ll not meet, maybe I’ll say no when he asks. I’m not that happy or excited about meeting him, more tired of him.

You’re right, I always feel like I need to be responsible, more responsible than other people and what follows, more responsible than my own parents, as I always had to be since I was a child, because they couldn’t provide me a safe home. I had to worry about adult problems in everyday life. I always took part in their arguments, always. I keep forgetting I was a child and I often blame myself I didn’t “save” this “family” – I know how ridiculous this sounds but I’m serious – that’s what I’m thinking all my life. Anyway I try to understand it and stop doing that, but it’s a  habit. My parents failed to create a family a home for me, and there’s nothing a small child could do to fix it. – I’m trying to believe it. I’m wondering.. is forgiving the key to peace of mind? If the truth is so inconvenient and we must face it, then we must see into our emotions like anger, resentment and many more and many worse, so in order to get rid of them and find peace we must in the end forgive those who hurt us. But forgiving means, as I read once, not judging and not hating someone, understanding him or her. I forgave my father, I don’t excuse what he did, on the contrary, I am and was very harsh and not tolerant about his behavior and still I forgave him. But should I try to forgive my mother? Should I try to understand and not judge her? How can I. It would mean that I would get to the point where I could say:  if you’re not happy, it’s okay to  find someone when your husband doesn’t give you happiness, it’s okay to follow your feelings because your happiness is the most important, it’s okay to not fight for your family because you just met someone nice and attractive and that’s all that counts. I know it sounds judgmental and perhaps there’s more to that, I know that. I know he drank, and hit her once, and did many hurtful things. But I don’t want to forgive it, I want them to admit to me that they didn’t care about me and failed this family, I don’t want to excuse and justify, and say it was okay for me as I pretended all my life.

Did you forgive you mother?why or why not.