Mark,

I’m embarrassed! I did the silly thing of referencing “internet wisdom” – an article I’d read made the point that the dating population of older folks is mostly populated by avoidants. Thanks for challenging me on that – maybe it’s not the case. Even if it is, that doesn’t change what I have to do.

I have tended to select people based on chemistry and kindness. But I think I have to be more insistent about your third criterion, awareness. What I experience with people who haven’t grappled with their stuff is that when their reptilian brains go nuts (as all of ours do from time to time, I believe), they tend to look outside themselves for the source of their pain. Who is closest and “appear” most likely to be the cause? Their partner, so watch out!

A few years ago, a counselor recommended that I only explore having a relationship with women who had done psychotherapy. I ignored her advice. I am now seriously thinking I need to listen to her advice.

Thanks for your thoughts!