Dear Anita,

I , too, read your post quite slowly, and allowed it to sink in.

Thank you for pointing out that these old neuropathways are going to fire daily, and the thing to do is to stop and insert new thoughts and notions related to reality. I am glad to have had some practice in this, and I know it will be a daily effort.

Also, I do agree that when I become more social, there will not be time for this, and so it may be likely for me to slump or “revert” back to the old ways. I can see it now, I am at a baby shower : a friend comes up to me and says – oh haven’t heard from you, we were surprised you haven’t been in touch. I take a deep breath and comment, something calm and collected but reserved. Later in the afternoon, the same person mentions some new occurences in her life, and I feel compelled to over-compensate and explain my “absence.” That is the crossroads. In my visual I am not sure which way I go. But what I would like is the following: I listen intently at my friend sharing. After she is complete I say, well we can find some time to catch up hopefully over the phone, let’s look into it.

I don’t apologize for my “absence,” I don’t overshare in a public setting, and I don’t feel insecure that I haven’t been doing my “job” of being social. I know this will not be easy, but perhaps practice while I am removed from the social setting for the most part, will allow some of those behaviors to settle in. In addition, I notice what patterns allow me to feel good (such as this scenario), and what do not (old patterns). I hope that slowly what “feels good” will stick and continue – if I am deliberate and allow myself to react this way.

Thank you for also reminding me that when I do return to socialization, I should do so perhaps one person at a time, invite, re-evaluate, and so on. I never in my life have allowed myself space for such. I wasn’t allowed such time, I just had to do!

What a concept of being able to have choice. I choose to interact with you today because I WANT to. I choose to decline your invitation because I don’t WANT to. I choose to pick up the phone because I WANT to. I choose to avoid this conversation because I WANT to. This is not selfish, this is self-preserving.

I also am starting to slowly realize that we do not owe others anything. Well let me rephrase, I do not owe outside people an explanation or apology for taking time to myself. It is quite innate in me to feel the need to justify such behavior, because in fact I am justifying it for myself. Like my previous post states, when we feel the need to be heard loud and clear by others, we often are not hearing our OWN selves clearly enough.

I am proud of myself for taking this space. I look forward to holding on to it and cherishing it. I know there will be many bumps ahead. But I have this solace, I have the space, and I can respect it.