Good Morning Anita,

I am back at the same hospital and location that I was the day before I made my decision.  It was the day my father called me in the middle of a work day and thought it was the appropriate time to lecture me for one hour on life insurance, and the fact that most children live close to their parents, and parents forgive them.

Yesterday when I was there in the middle of the day, this occured to me – out of nowhere.  It seemed ludicrous!  Here I was in the middle of an intense emergency case, a patient’s life truly in my hands, no exaggeration.  And just one week ago, in a situation that was not so different, I made time for that nonsense!

How accepting, open-minded, and beaten down I am to think that something like this is worthy of making time for, and sending attention to in the middle of a day like that.  In fact, how beaten down I am to think it is worthy at all – period.

This is not to say this is just about my job, versus other people.  But, in fact, yesterday I did realize that if anyone can say – I truly can not focus on your nonsense right now because someone’s life is in my hands – it would be me!  I never have said this.  I do not believe it is necessary to say this out loud.  But what is important is to know it in my head.

To know the importance of my job, to know that given that, I am ALLOWED, and JUSTIFIED in not diverting my attention and focus elsewhere to things that are not as important, be it that they are inconsequential, frivolous, are plain just not important at that moment.  Some of those things may be something I want to direct attention to later in the day (by choice) – so of those things may be something I want to direct my attention to: never.

I see this now, as a delineation. An example: I am in the middle of an acute situation with a patient.  A friend or someone sends me a text about a boy problem.  This is not nonsensical, just not relevant for me at that moment, so I choose to respond when  I have the time and mental space to do so.

On the other hand, I get a text about something such as: “I walked in and he said that to me, can you believe that.  Gosh he is so annoying.” I read this and realize it is part venting/part gossip on someone’s end.  So I say the latter to myself, this is something I don’t want to direct attention to at all.  Not later, just not at all.  And that is okay!  In this situation I can communicate with this person at a later time about something else, but I do not need to engage in this sort of topic.

This is also new to me Anita. I always felt it was rude to not engage in something the other person brought up, no matter what it was.  I never employed boundaries and the ability to have choice in wanting to exert my attention to a topic (topics such as gossip, negativity, self inflated behavior).  It can be simple, I can simply just not contribute to it!

This may be harder in person, versus text messaging.  Yet, once again, with practice of boundaries in controlled settings, I can get used to what “feels good” and what feels like “reverting back and not good.”