I agree with you that I should cut the contact, I agree completely. unfortunately in the next months I won’t be able to. Recently I try to have different attitude, to not react emotionally, and to not look for blame in myself (that much).  Today she yelled at me with those accusations as always. I dont have a desk in my room, I will have it in few days but till then I keep my things in the kitchen and she’s angry about it, tells me this very often. I told her today that I will take those things on Sunday, I was nice, and she started to say that yes, those things are annoying. So I said I can take them now actually. She said no, don’t, just they’re annoying and theres a mess, and there are a lot of things, and.. etc. So I repeated Ok I will take them now, the desk will be here on Sunday so I can take them.. She said again no, I’m just saying you made a big mess in this kitchen with those things and, . .. . . So she just wanted to complain and just tell me how messy I am etc. So I took those things to my room and she started to yell that I do this on purpose, why do I take them now, I didn’t plan to and now I wanted to “show” and I am so shady and I feel offended all the time etc. I didn’t do anything, it’s just..I took those things to not hear the compaints for hundred time. I wasn’t even offended or anything, I’m a really nice and friendly person, I never wanted to have an argument or anything, I’m afraid of having argument with her because I would never win. I didn’t even have a chance to defend myself over her reasons and complaints. How can you defend yourself? I just asked: what did I do. I took those things. So she says: you did this in this way, to show, you did this on purpose. So I said again: what did I do for you to make this scene. I only took those things. She was so angry I left the room. And now there’s blame on me: “you are so offended I cant even say anything to you, you do everything to show me”. How can you defend what I did?

I try to have a different approach, after we talked here, and I am really thankful for that. Normally as I mentioned earlier I would cry, a year ago I did after a situation like this. Feeling so guilty for a hundred time, that again I did something to anger my mother, something I could prevent and not do, and the analyzing what was the moment I could do something to prevent this from happening (or to at least know for the future). Now I just feel hopeless I’m stuck here because I do not want to cope, I do not want to fix this, I do not want to adapt or change myself to not anger my mother and to hear how flawed I am and what still needs to be corrected in me. I’m so sick of living here.

I’m repeating to myself: It’s not my fault she gets angry. I didn’t anger her, It’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything to anger her.