Dear Zoe:

A child is not separated mentally from her mother, the two really are one unit, in the child’s mind. If the child is fortunate, having a safe home, a loving mother, over the years the child separates mentally enough to be her own person. So I understand enmeshment, lack of separation, “No boundaries”  in adulthood, when the home was not safe enough.

You wrote: “I have always loved my mum deeply… I guess there is also a sense of betrayal… she ultimately chose her relationship over our wellbeing.”

I am thinking that you must be angry with your mother. Anger is natural to feel when betrayed.

You wrote that she “attempt(s) to compensate for that (the betrayal)”- I don’t think you are satisfied with her efforts to compensate, that what she is trying to compensate for, you haven’t made peace with.

Maybe you share a lot with her, vent a lot, and vent to others as well, is a sort of compulsion to … get compensated enough for that betrayal.

I think that you presented two issues: enmeshment and anger as one issue, one item, while in reality they are two items.

Maybe what is fueling your venting is anger, not love or enmeshment.

anita