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I see a lot of my own experiences in this post and hope that through sharing we can relize that we aren’t alone, and perhaps someone can help me get a handle on my pain too.

First, childhood history. – Parents separated at 7, divorced at 8 due to infidelity with another family member. i was a lonely, overactive kid struggling with ADD. School was very erratic as a result. Moves house a lot as a kid. Probably 8 times due to parents.

At the age of 16 I met a girl who I started dating more or less straight away. She was from a rich family and was privately educated, I was very much working class. Her father worked away abroad, cheated on the mother and ultimately left her for a foreigner the same age as my partner. I think this created some big trust issues in my partner.

I am a very passionate intense person and this person I was dating mirrored that so I found someone with whom I thought I could be truly open and honest with.  Unfortunately with being so young alcohol and arguments transpired and we separated and got back together several times over the course of 2 years. She would tend to blame me for things, say she had tried but couldn’t make it work, then  would leave, date  someone else and reconnect  after a breakup. Im no saint mind, and when I sensed she was going to leave me I did cheat on her, but after the loss I never got over her and missed her constantly. I dated, but didn’t find true happiness, and at the age of 20 I started seeing a girl who I would stay with for 7 years.  After about a year of dating this girl, my ex contacted me, and we started talking on the phone regularly. When I saw her in person I realised just how much I loved her and we decided to reconnect. I told my partner I was leaving, but at the 11th hour I realised something was wrong, and we patched it up. My ex was incredibly upset when I told her I wasn’t leaving my partner.  For the next 6 years I got closer to my partner, we moved in together, but my heart was never in it and I couldn’t get over my ex. I went around her house a few times, drunk, and we had sex. I wanted more, but she kept on going back to a man she was on and off with.  I dreamed about being back with her, but couldn’t trust her, or myself. At 27 the itch won, and i got back in touch, we decided to pick things up again and I left my ex for good and moved out.

At first things were magic, but very quickly I realised she had a massive drinking problem and after 2 months we were over again, and i sank into a deep depression. I tried to fill the hole by sleeping around, and when I found a steady partner I began a serious relationship and have been with her for the last 4 years.

Things aren’t perfect with this partner, but we get along, but even though that I still have a hard time getting over my ex.

I put my mind off her when she runs through my head, and I accept the fact that we were toxic for eachother.

I just feel like a horrible unfair person incapable of enjoying a real relationship, and I worry for the people I get close too. For fear of being alone I have took many years of happiness from others

I don’t understand why even now, with years of concsious effort I still feel a tie I can’t quite shake.