Dear Lucas:

I would edit out “without sounding too disgusting” (this is your response to the direct account of the main character, and it interferes with the reader’s response to the direct account).

I would also edit out “I was no longer 500, I was a vacuum. Like a black hole” (over stressing, an excess,  the account without these words is strong enough)

I would edit out the questions to the readers (may come across as confrontational to the reader)

“I do not mean to ever trivialize..” – is that part of your story, your writing piece? If so, I don’t like it. So far, before this paragraph, with the editing I suggested, I like your writing very much, believable, simple, affective (creating the desired affect you were aiming at, I believe).

anita