Dear Sapnap3:

I have thoughts regarding all the quotes I listed in post #1, and I can share those with you, if you ask me to. In this post I will get straight to the point-

March 9, 2014 you shared that when you were six you were repeatedly molested sexually by an older neighbor. You finally told this to your parents, in March 2014. At the time you told them they were using that neighbor for some service, paying him for a service he provided for your parents. You told your father to not use that neighbor again.

Your father “didn’t say anything”.

Your mother said: “he was probably being friendly. You don’t use him if u like but he charges us less, we will use him.”

Perhaps your father was shocked and that is why he didn’t say anything. I don’t know. But your mother said what she said. She expressed no anger toward the neighbor, no distress. She expressed no empathy toward you. Her thinking went straight to money: “he charges us less, we will use him.”

She heard you telling your father to not use that neighbor, your request for a little justice. Your mother went straight to what she values, money:

“he charges us less, we will use him.”

April 12, 2016 you wrote about your mother: “I love her a lot…She is very loving.”

Oct 4, 2014, you wrote: “I don’t know where to begin to heal myself”- my answer: begin in accepting the painful yet undeniable reality that although it is true that you love your mother a lot, always have, she does not love you. She does not value you. You had glimpse of this truth and it shattered your heart, so you wrote. But after each such shattering, you closed your eyes to the truth, again and again. And as you closed your eyes, you tried yet again to win her love. You kept reaching out and keep reaching  for her love which is not there for you.

Your education, your degrees, six figure salaries of past and/ or future, years of therapy you had and may have, all the meditations in the world, the articles, the principle of living in the now… none of that will do, for your healing long term until and unless you accept that you love her but she doesn’t love you.

anita