Dear Talia:

This is  my understanding: you need and want an intimate, loving relationship with a man, but you are also afraid of having such a relationship, of being in one. You need it and afraid of it at the same time . So you do both: place a toe in it, so to speak, feel the water, then withdraw (with a man who is needy), or place your toe in a pond of water knowing it will dry out soon because it is small and the sun is shining hot (with a married or otherwise unavailable man).

You wrote earlier: “my mom and dad became especially petty and condescending… go on and on about what I could  have done wrong and it was my fault…”- this is the scary part in an intimate close relationship, the one you had with your parents, this very on and on and on and on mental torture.

You wrote: I partied and drank a lot..  neglected class to sleep or party”- I think you did that because you were sick and tired of torture, of  suffering. Understandably you wanted to feel good.

And so, you still want closeness, born to need it, born to crave it. And at the same time, such much needed closeness is associated in your mind, understandably, with suffering. You want it and fear it.

Let me know what you think.

anita