Dear Anita

I burnt a couple of spots on my face yesterday. I didn’t give me any relief, more like exhausted me, which is good too,  anything. I hope it will heal and won’t be visible in few days. Describe it, this pain feels like I’m trapped in my body, like I’m in a trap or a cage of those things I can’t set myself free, this anger, this sick feeling I call love, those memories of fear and helplessness when my parents yelled, the hatred towards myself and harming myself, this pain is a cage in which I am locked with all those things and I can’t open it and get out. Do you understand. I cant get out of this cage. I know I shouldn’t harm myself, I know I shouldn’t come back to him but it’s all here and I can’t leave it because I can’t get out. I talked to a friend about it and he told me that it is up to me to change it, it is always up to me to change my life and my fate. It’s not true, I am trapped here.

Those “substitutes” of self harm are so stupid and silly, sorry if someone thinks taking cold shower may be close to feeling pain and seeing yourself bleeding, it’s definitely not.