Dear Anita,

I was heading back to bed, and thought perhaps it will be a good idea to list the things that are on my mind.  Call them out, don’t allow them mysterious power.  So here is a stream of consciousness

1) Where we move, will we know we made the “right” decision?  Will missing what we used to have be so overwhelming that  it will take over enjoying the new place we entered?

2) we relate to less people as we get older, wiser, and different.  this is obvious to me in my friend circle especially the difference between those individuals who are stagnant, and those that are consistently bettering themselves.  will it be exhausting to be friends with people who aren’t like me? will it continue to cause anxiety or guilt, or the feeling to stoop down to their level of understanding (not to sound narcissistic but often their thoughts have not gone anywhere close to mine).

or on the contrary, am I doing a great job on focusing on what I have, my husband, dog, busy life – that those friendships will be important, but not have the power to cause me grief or anxiety because I won’t allow them? hmmm

3) will I ever feel less anxious? the busier I get (as above) the harder it is to keep the positive habits of keeping anxiety low.  so will I choose a lifestyle that will promote this? or will I just put my head down and work work go go, and not allow for this?

4) this goes back to number 2, I don’t feel so compelled to be that social with friends, and I feel liberated by that.  However at the same time I wonder is this temporary, will I feel the old feelings of needing to be a super friend, or always available, again? I hope it can be tempered

5) in regards to my sister, I am so close to her, as you know – however, will I begin to as time goes on, not associate her with someone who is also like my mother in many ways (not in the evil pathologic way) but in the sense that she does seem to have a draining effect on me.  This is not even her fault, likely preconditioned, even when she is doing nothing wrong! It will take time I know as she heals and I heal…

6) if i create space for healthy habits, and a positive routine – will I be able to maintain it? or will I (like an addict) relapse to bad habits, the baseline of not focusing on self care, positive stress reducing activites, and mindful practices.

I know I am able to live with a good routine, and I also see quite instant benefits of it.  Do I prioritize it enough? Do I feel it is worth it or sustainable.  Deep down inside, do I just think well i won’t keep up with that for long anyway…

7) will I never know what it is like to feel content and at ease despite what people on the outside think? I do feel that way to a point, but I know there are holes in this as I am building.  I know that because I am such an empathetic and compassionate person, I am overly receptive to others’ energies and that can be quite exhausting.  I don’t want to walk around with an iron shield, but some less holes would be nice!

8) I visualize the following: my husband and I make a decision about where we will move, after our interviews, and much thought and consideration.  this is within the next month to 6 weeks.  I ponder this, go back and forth.  Wait for that “right feeling” and realize that it may not come.  In life many large moments don’t have that “ah ha” this is the right and perfect thing feeling, it’s that over time the decision comes to reality and you see for yourself.  I allow all of this to  sink in.  And when I discuss with friends, I am excited and exuberant.  They are happy for me.  That’s it.

I see this happening…I think it will happen.  It won’t be the end of current anxiety, but it will surely help the uneasiness of not knowing the next steps in life.  of course! if anyone didn’t know where they would be living in the next 6 months, and what job, and had a few options in front of them, they would likely be unsettled!

will i make this process of figuring this all out extremely difficult because the baseline anxiety I have been feeling over the last 2 days.  I sure hope not.  I do want to enjoy this “journey” of exploring and seeing and having patience the decision will come.  I don’t want to hold on so tightly! I want to let it come and flow as it may….let’s see how I can do that?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.