I have been quiet because I am still evaluating my feelings and the relationship. For the past 1 month, Debbie and I has got together again. I went to meet her as planned. It was a short trip but we get to spend some quality time together.

We have talked about our future together. However, things are looking bleak for us. She said she wanted to concentrate on her career (which she sacrificed when she had children) and she already started her retirement plan with him (her husband) few years ago. She won’t deny that she still want to be with me but her priority is to be able to retire and have a peaceful life without financial worries.

I don’t blame her fully because I am not capable of providing her in financial terms. My business failed few years back and I am still recovering from it. So I am not able to provide her with financial securities that she want. Not that she is asking for a rich partner but someone to at least provide her with the basic necessities in order not to be struggling through paychecks every month.

After meeting up with her, she did open herself to me with saying things like she love me and all. However, we had a small argument since then. Even though we are back to “okay”, I felt she has stopped opening herself to me. She don’t say sweet things to me anymore. I am not sure how I feel about this. Because it is a long distance, I think it is important for couples to “keep the flame”. I felt, she didn’t do it because she does not want to be feeling vulnerable. She has this mode when she work or under pressure, she has this side that is cold and proper. She said only I have seen the side of her where she opens up her heart. Am I being too needy?

Another thing that has been bugging me is that I seems to be like in the lowest priority of her life. Eventhough she love me and she said we might have a chance to be together in the future, she is not making any promises. I need to work hard to “win” her. Like making sure I manage to get to NZ or go to another country to work. Away from places where nobody knows us. Am I stupid to hold on to this woman who does not put me as a priority where I do everything I can and put her as my priority?

Finally, the main thing that prompted me to repost in this forum is because of something that happened in our last video chat. She said that before he leave for 1 week work overseas he told her that “he will never divorce her”. The thing that is bugging me is the way she said it with a smile. I felt like she was happy to hear him saying something like this to her. My heart sank upon seeing her smiling face when she said this. Am I being too sensitive? Or paranoid?

I am really in a dilemma for the past few month. It is really hard to have this kind of relationship. However, I have this really strong feelings that if we manage to get together, we will be the happiest couple in the world. Am I holding to a dream that will never come true?

Should I just wake up and end the relationship? It is really hard. I am really tired. I am really sad. I am really exhausted. I really want this to work out. Am I too selfish? Should I just let her go if I love her? Can I live a life without her?