Dear joanna:

You are welcome and thank you for giving me this opportunity to learn more about myself and my life through my communication with you.

You wrote about your mother: “I wonder if she blames herself”.

Notice this: you expressed many times on this thread how much you suffer from your perceived guilt, and how you are angry at yourself (because of your perceived guilt). You wrote that those thoughts, those voices in your head (that preach to you that you are guilty) won’t let you live.

It is very unpleasant, to feel guilty and angry at oneself. Your mother doesn’t like these feelings either and she found a way to not feel them: every time she blames you, she is not blaming herself. Every time she is angry at you, she is not angry at herself.

She uses you this way, since the very beginning and still, “she is still the same person and still bullies me about everything else.”

Did you ever consider ending all contact with your mother and do you see any benefit in doing so?

anita