Dear Anita,

You’re welcome. I think it takes a lot of strength to be able to step back from a situation/ step back from emotions and see things more clearly. I think this is something that you are really good at. Too often I get devoured by a feeling – be it panic, despair, sadness etc. I find that coming on here and explaining things to you really helps me to remember the bigger picture and to remember the positive things, even when things seem like there is no way out.

I am now currently in Bristol, sat here in my new bed, typing away. Last weekend was insanely busy. I put on a gig in Bath on the Friday, packed and moved to Bristol on the Saturday, and then played a gig in Bath on the Sunday. After that I took a few days out to catch up on sleep.

Right now, I feel quite scared/ overwhelmed. I had an occupational health appointment a few weeks ago – and t was agreed between me and the Dr that when I go back to work I’d be doing a phased return – doing 50% of my shifts, then 75%, and eventually going back to full time. My manager advised me to stay off work until after my move, so I had enough time to do that, and said that I’d still be getting full pay and not to worry about that.

I spoke to him yesterday, and he said that HR have said that when I go back, doing 50% of my shifts, I’d only be getting paid half my wage. I explained that this wasn’t enough for me to live off of. So the only option was to cut down my phasing time. Now I’m only going to be doing one week at 50%, one week at 75%, and then back to full time – just so I can make ends meet. I’m going back to work today (I was informed all of this yesterday). I got the call yesterday morning, and I nearly had a panic attack about it all. I tried calling my sister but she did not answer, then I tried calling Noel and he didn’t answer. I managed to speak to my friend Fran which made me feel better. I just needed to hear a friendly voice.

Thank you for your offer, and yes please I think I do need the guidance with Noel. There’s a lot of care there, and I encourage him and motivate him all the time and supported him to a health appointment too. When I didn’t receive any support yesterday I did feel disappointed. He messaged me in the evening but I felt too upset. I told him how I felt this morning about being disappointed. But then apologised and said its because I’m scared. This is true – I tend to procrastinate and stay in bed, or have a cigarette because the idea of showering, going to work etc. is super super scary.

I’m going to try and motivate myself to do this now.

Cat