Dear Kara:

You met this man after your marriage broke up. You had kids then and freshly out of a marriage, correct? It may be that this relationship fit you at that time of transition, something or someone to hold on to while experiencing distressing changes in your life.

Maybe when you broke up with him, you really were over that relationship, not needing him anymore. Only he still needed you.

“He is so kind and an absolute heart of gold”- but is he kind enough to let you go when you no longer need him or want him? Or is he willing to pressure you- with … kindness- to be with him knowing you are suffering for it?

You wrote that after you got back with him “He could now sleep again and function properly he was the happiest man again like before”- were these your observations alone, or did he tell you these things? If he told you these things, then he put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, clearly communicating to you that if you leave him again, he will not sleep, he will not function properly and he will be heartbroken again.

And wouldn’t that be cruel to do to a kind man with a heart of gold?

You wrote that “he wants nothing but happiness for me”- is it true?

You wrote: “I can’t hurt him again it’s just  so horrible that I could do that to him”- trapped in guilt, you are, aren’t you?

I figure he prefers you would be happy with him than not. But if you are not happy with him, he prefers that you stay with him anyway.

In your recent post you wrote: “I most certainly feel guilty… he constantly talks of how.. he cannot live without me… I feel so much pressure”, so if you leave him, he will not only not sleep, not function properly, be sad and broken hearted, but he will also die?

You wrote: “Most people would love to have someone love them that much”- I can’t think of a single person who would love to have someone pressuring them, trapping them in guilt, holding them hostage.

Regarding the age difference, it’s a personal preference. It bothers you, so it bothers you. You feel what you feel.

You wrote, “He says I focus on the negatives when it comes to him and I should focus on his positives”-

You are the one to decide what is a positive and what is a negative. His very many expressions love for you seem positive on the surface, but if those expressions are intended to keep you with him happy or not, then they are dishonestly manipulative, guilt-tripping you, trapping you in guilt, holding you hostage.

If you agree, can you possibly be happy with him?

anita