Dear Anita

Yes.That’s all correct. I want to say little bit more about myself, how I am in relationships, how I was before him.
I think this is so heavy on me because feel like I’m not just grieving the loss of someone I love, but im more of being scared what will happen in the future, how will this affect my mental state, what kind of mark it will leave (I don’t wanna say scar)cause I dealt with panic attacks in the past, depression and anxiety.
When I stared my relationship I was very chill, not so attached. While he was the opposite. His focus was totally on me. Im keeping my guard up always, but I guess when I saw how much he wants me, I was like oh I can like relax and open my heart. And after that it seems like it all went down. I feel like I was really under pressure of the things he wanted and I feel like I did them just to make him happy (at that time). As I said I rarely find someone I really really like, and he was amazing so I let myself in-in falling in love with him. He also openly told me that he consciously pushed his feelings down( because he wouldn’t see the things he expected) and from that on he stopped liking me more. My life apart from him its a mess also and im not where I wanna be, and now I’m even feeling totally lost.
Also I wanna mention that before being with him I didn’t had serious relationships but I would always have a guy in my life. Either just texting to someone, or dating, just going to get coffee, or with some guys being intimate. I wouldn’t feel love or anything special, but my point is that there was ALWAYS someone talking to me, saying I’m pretty, smart or whatever. Thinking now it seems like I couldn’t/can’t be by myself. And I don’t know how to feel about this. How can I feel good with just myself?
Also for my current situation- I’m very stressed for tomorrow. We will meet to give each other some stuff. I don’t expect anything like talking to work it out, I have 0 hope. But I don’t know if its a good idea to even see his face. I’m scared I’ll end up in tears. Everything feels heavy now, and I don’t know how to make it better. I’m not questioning my feelings for him- they were real, they still are. But was he just a “place” to run away from my reality and my “mess” ? Cause whenever something shitty would happen I would go to him for the feeling of comfort. I’m scared I will directly start talking to someone new, just to run away from him now and everything happening to me. I’m feeling very hopeless about my future at this point. I just hope I can come out of this place and learn why am I doing the things I’m doing. I don’t want another guy or something cause it will be never ending cycle. I just wanna be better and happy.

Thanks