Thank you. I appreciate your comments.  And time. There is also the huge desire to see him.  My mind is trying to convince me it is for one last time.  Our 6 year relationship ended abruptly.  His drinking was escalating as was the verbal abuse.  I had his brother pick him up and ended it.  This had been ongoing for awhile.  I wish it could have ended with more kindness.  He is a 50 year old man still living with his mother in his childhood home.  He thinks he has no problems.  There were many red flags i chose to ignore.  I am not young either.  I know i will heal.  It seems difficult due to the intense love we shared for one another.