You’re right Mark – showing my children what a healthy relationship looks like was the reason I left the marriage to begin with. The relationship their father and I had was not that. It was emotionally abusive and my kids saw that. I felt so strong, empowered, for leaving. I finished my university degree during that time, got a second degree, and now have a career that I’ve dreamt of for as long as I can remember.

But I’ve never stood on my own two feet, except for a brief period after the separation. I went from being a teenager who lived at home with my parents, to someone’s wife, and then to being a mother. But never on my own.

My therapist(s) don’t have a lot of practical advice. One say “look at all you’ve achieved! You’re a wonderful mother and you’ve got a career! Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” The other just listens.

I live in a small city, therapy options are limited. I’ve seen several over the last handful of years. I have no close personal friends that live here, my closest friend lives miles away and I’m pretty sure I’ve exhausted her.

I am scared. But mostly, I am sad. I never wanted or planned to divorce. People don’t get married to get divorced. That was supposed to be forever. It wasn’t. I met this man that appeared to be so different than my ex-husband, so emotionally connected, or so I thought. He is Mr. Unavailable and I wonder what happened to the man I met, the man I fell in love with.

And when I look back, Mr. Unavailable is all I’ve ever known, my entire life.