So his attempt to amend things with the kids was simply to get some cash in his pocket as well. He gave some half-hearted apology an empty promise to the girls then quickly proceeded to ask me for money. With fasting and praying I can feel his grip slipping from me, but I still long for him and these thought of him going to love bomb and trap some other woman just kills me after all the work and suffering I’ve done. I’m scared to take that final leap and give him the final confirmation that it is over .  I guess I feel more confident leading him on that I may come home . But I will have to let that be the next woman’s problem as I know there will be many. He had a Freudian slip yesterday and told me that there was somebody already waiting to care for my daughter my absence. But tried to say he was playing when he saw my reaction. Even just typing this I sound like I’m all over the place and that has been my life for the last 3 years. Pitiful. Just recently talkin he is getting flat out angry because I don’t want to contribute to the bills of the household anymore because I’m leaving. Little by little he’s showing his true colors again. Why do I love this man why? Am I so afraid of you losing our physical connection which is basically the only thing that survived these years? Am I stupid enough to believe that I won’t find that intimacy (or more so sexual passion).  anywhere else? I feel so pathetic, can’t wait till I wake up from this nightmare that I created