Hi,

I’ve had a very similar experience and yet different. In my case I’m the dude, and I was the one who felt a bit like your situation except that she interacted with me more. There were periods when she’d come close and we’d have a great time and then she’d avoid me and my life was a living hell. I didn’t understand why she did this, and I didn’t understand my response. Here’s what I’ve come to learn after a year long relationship and spending 2 more years trying to understand things like you are.

Regardless of twin flame status or not, friendship and romance are still a necessity for a relationship to work. Healthy, strong, fulfilling relationships cannot exist based on a cosmic, mystic connection alone. There are certain things a man needs and certain things a woman needs. Some of these needs vary from person to person and others are just genetically encoded into most people of a certain gender. For instance, when it comes to romance, the man needs to feel like he gets to pursue her and she responds to him. For this to happen, there has to be an attraction and he has to give himself permission to follow it. She needs to not cling to him like he’s her everything. She needs to have her own path she’s following and that makes her come across as powerful and attractive. That’s attractive to a guy because while he wants to lead at times, he doesn’t want to always have to lead and he doesn’t want to be leaned on too much in everything. When she has her own path she’s following, it shows him that she’s okay on her own and would bring value to his life rather than sucking the life out of him. This also goes both ways.

Regardless of a strong connection, if he feels like you need him, he’ll want to get away. Even if you feel like you do but pretend not to, it will still send the message that you’re independent enough that you will be more likely intrigue him. That’s what is needed, intrigue.

Also, we in the Western world tend to think linearly. We tend to think that if we want something, we should move straight toward it. While sometimes this is true, other times it’s the opposite. Many times the most direct path to what we want the most is the an indirect path. That means sometimes doing the opposite of what you think you need to do in order to get what you want. Maybe that means instead of trying to be around him, don’t try and see what happens. Don’t limit yourself to him being the only guy you want to get to know, when it seems natural, have interactions with other guys even if they’re just platonic. When I guys sees that you have a social life that doesn’t have to depend on him, it’s a relief and actually makes you more attractive. I’m not talking about intentionally using jealousy; that’s manipulation. I’m just talking about giving yourself freedom to interact with everyone and not get fixated on one person.

In a situation like what you describe, it’s most important to love yourself enough. If you don’t have it already, develop the skill of being comfortable being alone, like sitting under a tree on a nice day and reading a book, or choosing an elective that you’re interested in but he might not be. When you are comfortable in your own skin, you become infinitely attractive to everyone else. This can take time. If no one has ever helped you understand who you are and what your identity is, and if it’s not already obvious to you, it’s very easy to get sucked into needing external things to be satisfied. If you find it difficult to be satisfied without external happenings, this is a really good opportunity to explore and develop that ability.

Choose yourself. If you place your happiness on whether or not someone chooses you, you disempower yourself. Every day there are moments when you will have an opportunity to choose yourself versus choosing attachment to someone else. If it feels like you have to choose attachment to someone else in order to send the message that you’re available, it will likely have the opposite effect. The more often you go down that path, the more disempowered you’ll be, the more you’ll empower his whim, the more he’ll feel like he can have you anytime and the more he’ll be prone to making other choices; also, the more you choose attachment, the more you’ll reinforce those neuropathways in your mind and life will be much more difficult. If instead you make choices every day that empower you to love you and choose yourself, you will feel less of a need for him to appreciate you, you’ll feel more light, fun and happy and that makes anyone more attractive to anyone.

In short, just remember to choose yourself first because you can’t control whether someone chooses you or not. Just because there’s a strong connection like you described, doesn’t mean he’s the one. Sometimes someone comes into your life to be a mirror and show you what needs work. The more you detach from needing anything from him, the sooner you pass that test and become a happier person and the more likely he can become what you hope he’ll become in your life versus him being a stepping stone to help you grow and then you meet someone else. But, there’s no failure in either outcome, because either way, you grow and develop and find someone who you can be not only happy with but equally importantly content and secure with.

I once heard a quote that is very fitting. “It’s better to heal a broken heart than to piece together a shattered identity.” ~marcandangel.com

If you spend too much time and energy reaching for what seems like it should be there, you’ll lose yourself in the process and on top of dealing with a broken heart, you’ll have to spend tons of time and energy relearning how to human again. That’s the place you really don’t want to be. But if you intentionally choose yourself first, you can’t lose either way.

You are a dear human being, and this is an amazing time of life to learn what is there for you to learn no matter the outcome, because it isn’t about the outcome but the journey and journey’s are simply moments strung together.

You’re a beautiful human being.