Damn, that’s a long 26 page re read. I dunno if I could ever re-read my madness, I would be cringing like crazy. I felt and still feel like a drama queen from all of this and it puts me in a weird mood reading my madness.

As for not wanting a girlfriend…I dunno, just never got a point of bonding with people at that level. I just sit on my PC all day playing games, listening to music, watching hockey, going to work, exercising. Wish I did martial arts and boxed, maybe soon but a relationship has not been a goal of mine for a long time. Maybe I gave up knowing I’ll never get a girlfriend because I hate myself and don’t want people seeing my dark side, I can’t even stand my dark side and it makes me feel cringey and gross, which is why I’ll not re-read the thread. I don’t even find myself a good person with the thoughts that go off in my head, even giving out nearly 10 grand in 1 year (which is half what I make a year) to help people. I don’t think I could stand myself in a relationship having to feel exposed to my feelings, so I prefer to stay single either for the rest of my life or until I feel like entering a relationship and I feel OK with it, I don’t cry at night and lack sleep because i’m lonely or anything. I just found it weird how I randomly started thinking of that 14 year old girl I dated from Florida (literally as far away from me as possible as I’m from British Columbia) when I was 16 which was 17 years ago and had those awesome memories of us talking, how I felt for her, my regret for letting her go and joining the other relationship which felt so fake. It feels so vivid like it just happened yesterday. I’m surprised how a memory of an online relationship I had 17 years ago I can remember so many details when everyone tells me I have the worst memory they have ever known, I’ve forgotten so much stuff even when they talk to me for a few minutes but I can remember THIS somehow.

I guess it was important to me or something, maybe this is why I don’t want a relationship…I dunno. Have a great night.