Hi Mia,

I just wanted to thank  you for sharing your experience. It was slightly surreal to read it because it felt as though I had written it myself. My own experience is very similar. I am also in my late 30s, have also had difficulty getting close to someone special (relationship-wise), have shied away from relationships, was very sensitive and insecure as a teenager/young adult and suffered from low self-esteem. My parents also fought a lot. I too feel that I have a block when it comes to relationships and have been attracted to men who are not right for me. They were either emotionally unavailable or manipulative (I had a toxic short-lived relationship a few years ago with someone who was a liar/manipulator).

I guess that people who have had challenging childhoods and/or who suffer from low self-esteem react to love differently. Some people may become codependent and need to always be with someone. Others, like us, may be afraid of vulnerability and may have a difficult time connecting with someone. I’ve tried online dating as well, but don’t like the superficiality of it. I’ve stopped trying and just living in the moment and hoping that it will happen naturally one day.  I used to feel bad about being single, but I’m starting to feel better about it. I’ve worked a lot on myself in the last years. I feel a lot more confident. I’m also somewhat spiritual and believe in karma and that things happen as they are meant to happen.

I also see a lot of people around me in relationships that I wouldn’t want to be in. I’m not looking for a partnership just for the sake of it. Like you I’m sure, I would like to be with someone with whom I feel secure, that I can trust, and with whom things feels natural or easy in some way. That’s how my friends who are in healthy partnerships have described it.

I try to stay positive and find meaning in my friendships and work. It is challenging at times though and I do question why it is so difficult to connect with someone. Staying positive and true to ourselves is the only thing we can do.

While watching the series Call the Midwife, a quote made an impression on me. It said: ”

“…but their devotion showed me that there were not versions of love, it was only love, that it had no equal, and that it was worth searching for, even if that search took a lifetime”.

Good luck to you on this journey called life