Dear Tom:

I suggested to you yesterday to look back into your experience in relationships, see in retrospect what worked and what didn’t work, then stop doing what didn’t work and try something new. This morning I went back to your threads to learn myself, best I can, what worked and what didn’t work for you. I will quote from your threads and comment. I hope this will be helpful to you.

Dec 29, 2016: “I am around a month or so out of a nearly two year relationship… it often felt like whatever I said/did was wrong and I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her.”

Sept 10, 2017: “I met a girl.. we have had 5 or 6 really good dates, after the last date she stayed over at my house…I am starting to get the feeling that she is losing interest. Messages are few and far between when before they were fairly constant…We met for dinner on Thursday… Like all of our other dates it went really well and we had a good time, kissed at the end of the date etc. She is very busy again… Since then we have messaged briefly…I just have a hunch that she has become a little more distant…when she came over we had such a great evening and she stayed the night. We went for some lunch the next day before she had to drive home. After that we didn’t see each other for nearly 3 weeks.. the messages started to ease off… We then had a meal last week which again went really well like all of our dates and we both had a great time. We kissed at the end of the night like all of other previous dates… When we are together we get on so well. The only thing that is confusing me is how she has changed from lots of contact to not so much without real reason.. I sent her a message yesterday and had no response… I should wait to see if she contacts me… I just don’t want to come across a bit needy.

Nov 2, 2017: “I began dating this girl… Things were going amazing and it felt so natural and right. However, last night .. she wanted to tell me.. she is pregnant.. I am very happy with her…I could definitely see us together for a long time” (pregnant by another man before you).

April 15, 2018: “We have known each other for around 6 weeks… It has been going well.. over the last week or so I have felt she is taking a step back. The tone of her messages seems to have changed… nothing happened on the dates that I am aware of. It’s been going well…We had a phone conversation last night which went well… spent Friday and Saturday together and had a great couple of days…We got together last week and had a good time but since then contact has been quite sporadic. She had some family stuff going on… I’ve asked her today about meeting again but have yet to hear back…messages are less frequent and engaging… She responded to message really late and said that she hadn’t seen her phone for a few hours and would let me know but she is busy over the next few days… We both agreed it was going well, she spent the night, we had a great time and then the whole next day too… we had such a good time the previous occasion…We had a catch up on the phone last night which went well.”

My input: clearly you are very anxious in the context of a relationship with a woman, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. You walk on eggshells, not only during the long term relationship you had (first thread) but in the initial stages of dating the other women (following threads).

As you walk on eggshells in the beginning dating experiences, you are not paying attention to the woman. You are not paying attention to how she is feeling and what she is experiencing.

You assume she is having a good time (the italicized above) but you have been wrong, again and again. She was not having a good time overall. How do I know? Because she withdrew from you. If she had a good time, she wouldn’t have withdrawn from you.

The woman’s claims of being busy with work and family.. maybe even that pregnancy by another man (maybe) are excuses, reasons given so to avoid dating and not hurt your feelings.

How is it that you incorrectly evaluate her experience, I ask myself. Perhaps you see her smile and think the smile means she is having a good time. But a smile doesn’t necessary indicate that. People smile when they feel uncomfortable, awkward. You may think she is having a good time because she is polite. Again, not necessarily so.

I would like you to have a good, loving relationship with a woman. This is what you want. I strongly recommend examining my suggestion here that you are not accurately evaluating the woman’s experience in the context of dating you. Without accurate evaluation, progress in dating is impossible.

I suggested better communication with the woman before. I suggested asking her questions. At this point I don’t think you can afford to not ask a woman questions, asking her exactly what you want to know.

anita