Dear ally:

In another thread you wrote: “I wanted closeness to my family (still want)”- this motivation you have, particularly the motivation to have closeness with your father, every time you act on this motivation, it harms you. It harms your mental health.

Succeeding in creating closeness with your father is not possible because his motivation is to not have closeness with you. When you reach out to him for closeness, he attacks you.

You wrote in your most recent post above: “I left immediately when the conversation started escalating and swearing was used. I stated that wasn’t acceptable”- good. Next thing to do is to no longer have conversations with him. If you do, your assertion (quoted here) is as if you said to your father: I am leaving because your behavior was unacceptable. So there! If you don’t want me to leave, behave acceptably.

Thing is, from my understanding, he is okay with you leaving. So what would be his motivation to … behave acceptably (when you try to get close to him)?

Got to somehow lose that motivation, to be close, to create closeness.

You wrote elsewhere: “Sometimes I have feelings of acceptance over this situation and then all of a sudden my anxiety comes out of nowhere and I get worried and feel guilty”- it is this anxiety, this worry and guilt feelings that stand between you and greater well-being.

In other words, you act against yourself (acting on the motivation to be close to your father) and you get hurt. Act for yourself (lose the motivation) and you feel bad.

This is what I found in my own healing process: the choice between healing and feeling bad or staying sick and feeling bad.

It is feeling bad either way, for a long, long … long time (on and off with longer and longer off times) if your choice is the first, and for the rest of your life (often worse over time) if your choice is the second.

anita