Hey Anita

I think you’re very very right, and I still have a lot of shame when I come home to see my family. I feel like it’s my fault that we’re not connecting. I know my family also wants this connection, and I sometimes feel very guilty for not doing something about it and for the way it makes them feel. I know they feel lonely too.
Yes, I really wish I had a closer relationship with my mother, father and sister, and I’m going there to visit them in some days and I’m quite anxious about it, since what usually happens is we all escape into work, video-games, facebook, TV etc. and it recreates all the feelings of loneliness and guilt.
My usual tactics when this happen is to either play video-games, talk negatively about myself and lock myself up in my room with loads of shame, or play piano all day long so I don’t have to be around my family.
I think you might be right that this lack of connection and shame around feeling this way is what I frequently find “wrong” in my relationships. Right now me and my girlfriend are at the point of never really talking or connecting anymore, we just do things like making food, eating and sleeping at night.

I often think about wanting the other person to open up and be “together” with me and open up about how they feel. This is especially true for my parents. Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it on my own, only being open from my side, I feel like I need the other person to also be open and share their feelings and thoughts.
This was a big theme earlier in my current relationship, me having to share my thoughts and feelings more, but I haven’t shared this feeling of being disconnected and empty. Could it be that this feeling comes from the other person not sharing their feelings, or could it be that I’m also not sharing myself? I don’t know how to open up for this kind of connection. With a few people, it has just happened, but in my relationship to her I rarely feel it.
Sometimes I wonder if her perfectionism about cleaning and tidyness, and her shoping-habits are a way of getting away from her feelings, but I’m afraid of being rude about this and just projecting my own fears and lack of sharing and connection over onto her.
I would love to feel connected more than anything in the world, it’s something that I’ve always wanted but I’m not sure how I can do it in this relationship, or with my family.