Hi

What I am about to say is truly awful. I feel like a really bad human. I read through everyone’s post. And it almost made me feel worse because I feel like there I no hope for how I am feeling and my situation is so sticky that I feel trapped

My ex and I dated for two years. I dated so many other guys before that and I truly loved this man. He made me feel loved, happy, excited, and things I never really thought I would feel from another person. I was pretty set on being alone before I met him. We had some communication issues. Mainly our egos. We needed to open up more.

I’m a free spirit. I always wander around. Traveling has always been a passion. I had always been planning on traveling to Indonesia and Thailand. But I started dating my man… He said he wanted to come with me,  but while planning the trip he told me he felt forced and really felt like he was upset about going. How can you be upset about going to bali and Thailand for five months?! But he hated that he would have to find a new job when he got back and all that.

Well we went on the trip. Some of it was so hard. I had no phone. Most of it was amazing. But I lost myself because I was always with someone else and our happiness relied on each others. I became super depressed by the end of the trip. I mean I am a strong person but this was crazy. I was crazy. We flew back to the states and we both just felt so distant. But I was trying. He seemed unfazed by our state probably because his parents are in a relationship that isn’t a relationship but they just stay together and avoid their issues. I tried to face ours, but we were both in such a bad place. So I flew home to the place I grew up and continued to be so depressed but I made sure to engage in healthy activities. I didn’t feel right just moving back to the place where both of us lived before I knew if our relationship was going to be okay or if I was going to be okay. So he came to my city and we did counseling and spent time with my family. We were ourselves again and we loved each other so much. So we decided to move back to where we were living and move in together and try to keep up with our counseling. But both of us needed to find a job and it just became hard for him to stay happy. At this point sex was a struggle. I felt so insecure over the past three months, turning into four, trying to get my boyfriend to have sex with me. He told me it wasn’t me but I felt hurt. We didn’t sleep in the same beds, and he really didn’t care how sad I was, but I know it was because he was sad to. But I was just in a horrible place with everything going on. I was smoking weed allllllllll the time because I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to break up with him apparently but I couldn’t. I put too much effort into it already and I loved him but it was hurting me more than I had ever hurt. So we broke up. It was so sad. I died he died. He didn’t want it and neither did I, but I thought that I had been prepared for it because I had been talking and debating about it with others for months. So I felt so sad and then one day boom. I was in a manic I’m over it stage. I went crazy and started partying and thought I was over him in like a week.

The worst part. We had a best friend. His best friend had been my friend through everything. Supported me, emotionally and plus he was always building my confidence when I felt like I didn’t have any anymore. He had his shit together and naturally it became attractive. He got me a job when I lost the first one that I got after moving back. He became my boss. I started to really really love him more and more as a person.

My breakup had nothing to do with him. But right after my breakup I let him in and we ended up hooking up and going on a trip together. THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER DONE> my ex was my best friend. I respected him. how could I do that? I was psychotic. I was not thinking. not to mention all of our friends were friends. I started so much drama. I didn’t think about any of it. My friends were all so mad at me. I suffered the consequences. I took responsibility and sat back and felt all the guilt and shame.

But this new guy, my friend was becoming so great. He was becoming someone I liked more and more the more I intimately got to know. I did not mind hanging out with him, and I started to even want him around. Which is rare for me. He wanted me to commit to a relationship but I couldn’t. Then after a couple more weeks I started seeing how my feelings were changing and I decided that I should try and let go of all of the drama and the past and give it a shot. And I did. And its an amazing relationship. I love him, and he Is the absolute best. Like the best. The best except that I have thought about my ex a lot. too much. of course I have regret about my actions. But its a deep feeling.

Longer story short I got sober again and I feel like a different person. my sane self. the person that works through conflict, and doesn’t act out on stupid feelings. This person would have been there for my ex if I wasn’t feeling the way I was. So in my heart I feel that if I had taken this time alone to feel this good, that we could have worked on it at this point down the road. But now I am in a relationship with someone I love, but most importantly I am in a relationship with someone that had their relationships with friends ruined because of ours. I cant even text me ex because everyone would know. But I want to so much. I have no idea why. But I feel it and its so hard. I cannot let him go, and I do so much work. So much. My parents met when they were 14. I believe in soul mates. I just hate thinking that I fucked things up with mine. I just want to know if there is a chance that I didn’t fuck it up forever. But I cant just ask him….. and I do not want to risk what I have to ask such a stupid question. Its not that I need time to be alone. I am doing everything else for myself just fine. But its the fact that I need to know if I am with the right person. And The only thing standing in the way of that is my ex. But its been too long and too much of every day thoughts to think that this way of thinking is normal.

I’m sure yall think I am awful and that I deserve the way I am feeling. I mean I hooked up with one of his friends! Not to hurt him. I was not thinking of him and that makes it even worse. I was thinking about nothing which is scary and I feel like I wish I could go back and change it.

I don’t know guys. I guess I just feel stuck. I want to call my ex. Simple as that. But I have not. And I will not. But I want to more than I have ever wanted to do anything and it makes me paralyzed. No amount of meditation, or sobriety, or love, or time has changed it. I messed up