Hey Anita

A few days have past and I’ve gone up to my hometown with my family. Right before I left, me and my girlfriend had a conversation about how she felt like too often, almost every day, small things would blow up to huge problems because I felt hurt and didn’t manage to “snap” out of it or “get on” when we were together. She said she didn’t feel like the relationship was working as of now, and said that I agreed and that it had been hard for me as well. We didn’t break up yet.

I thought I would feel better when I got home, and that this time being home would feel a lot better. That’s something I always think before coming here, but just a few days in I can already feel my energy dropping way low, like when I used to be depressed. When I see my dad behaving like I do with my girlfriend, making himself into a smaller version of himself asking for approval from my mom for everything he says I just get so angry at him for behaving this way. He does it with me as well, and it’s really exhausting having to validate everything he says instead of him having his own validation and being able to also validate me when we’re conversing.
Going through some of my stuff from my old house I found a letter written between my mother and my old teacher, where she had written something about me to my teacher that she didn’t want me to see, supposedly something about why I acted the way I acted in school. I still feel like she views me as something broken or small which she wants to change, but she never ever speaks up about it and our conversations are always very superficial; sometimes we don’t even speak for days when I’m here.

I know there’s two things going on here, my relationship with my family and hometown and my girlfriend, sorry if it’s confusing, but I feel like these two things have a connection, so I hope you can forgive me for jumping between these two subjects.
Me and my girlfriend have been texting a little bit back and forth, and I tried to call her some days ago, but she quickly found an excuse to hang up. I feel like she has lost all respect for me and honestly I don’t know how to behave for this to feel good again. I’ve lost all my integrity and self-esteem in relation to her, and the only thing keeping me from ending it is how fucked up my life is outside the relationship; my relationship to my family, my lack of true connection to other people and my anxiety keeping me away from writing music and doing creative work.
My mentor also says that if I leave my girlfriend, I will go back into “nothing”, and that this relationship is a great opportunity to practice coming forth as myself with other people, since without this relationship, I will be back in my room, gaming and doing nothing.
The things he says makes me fear that unless I manage to “fix” myself and just go 100% into this relationship, I’ll go back to being alone and miserable, and that it’s pretty much my fault how things aren’t working.
I keep thinking if I would only “go for it” 100 % and snap out of my own miserable negative thought patterns it would start working, but my feelings are saying “I don’t want to”. I don’t want to go 100% into it, I feel like there’s something more fitting out there, and something that would allow me to be me even more.

Sometimes I wonder if I have an identity around being hurtful, small and negative, and that I long for somebody to validate that identity instead of building my identity on something positive and have people validate those sides. It seems like it’s so hard for people to validate how I feel because they somehow feel threatened by or feel the urge to change those negative aspects of me. Especially my mom, and also my girlfriend. They can’t stand my negativity, and I wonder if that negativity is a “blown up” one, or if it’s a natural dose of it, and if I deserve to be validated even for my hurtful feelings.
I feel so hopeless right now. I don’t know what to do, I feel like everybody is against me wanting me to “snap out of it”.