Anita I’m buying this apartment in another city and moving out. I don’t know if it will be different. for the past months I was living with this hope. Last week I got the message that this hope is almost there. But I’m starting to think it’s me who is damaged, last night I texted my friend who lives in another country asking if it’s even real because I don’t know anymore. He likes me and values me but we meet once a year, texting almost everyday but he doesn’t know me that well. So many people have been rejecting me all my life, and I have no one who would care about me right now, maybe this should make me think. Maybe my parents were right that I have no value as a person.

what would it change, when I move out. I will live there in peace, work somewhere and come back to an empty house, meet someone and either be rejected or they will reject me because I’m acting like I care too much or don’t care at all, or ruin it some other way. I really don’t know how to act and maintain healthy relationships with people. Last night I talked to one guy with whom I went for a coffee once, and I was angry but I asked him politely what is it exactly that he wants. He said he doesn’t want relationship, just hang out and have fun. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. It’s either someone doesn’t care or if someone cares I ruin it because I show myself as a person who is not to be treated seriously, because I’m afraid to trust or simply afraid to stay for the night and let it happen naturally. I act like a crazy and not normal person, coming back home, being afraid and rejecting when someone wants to be good for me. I can’t even express how I felt last night. I literally don’t have a hope that anything will work out. I lost two friends, because of some weird conversations and behavior and aggression. This guy I dated recently texted me yesterday I was aggressive.  I know he used the fact that I told him about my parents, but maybe he was right, even when someone is crazy about me and I don’t have to even try, even then I will ruin it by being myself. Anita do you really think something will change? I got the message yesterday and I have to go to this town and settle some things with this apartment and I really don’t have the hope for this new life because I think I am the problem in my life. I don’t have any value as a person. I really mean that. I believed you couple of months ago, when you told me I am a good person. I know you were right, I trust you and I believe you and I thank you for this because it has helped me greatly at that time, it helped me to stop the toxic relation I was in. But what if people are right, what if my parents were right that I have absolutely no value as a human. Anita I really am almost 100% sure it’s true, I’m sorry it’s not like I don’t believe you, I want to but people tell me mean things all my life and reject me in the worst possible ways, and they always say it’s because I did something wrong, and they never treat me well at the end.