Dear Naia:

You wrote about your mother: “sometimes she would just lose her patience and hold me for responsible because I wasn’t assertive enough”

– it is true that you are not assertive. Notice these two sentences that you wrote regarding your former friend:

1. “I don’t think I want to pursue a friendship with her anymore. I feel awful for saying this, but I don’t like her”- it is okay for you to not like a person, feeling awful about it means that you feel  like you are a bad person for not liking another person, but it is not true. Everyone doesn’t like some people, it is okay.

2. “I don’t know if I have the courage to tell her. I think I will just drift away, if that is okay“-it is okay for you to drift away, or otherwise to end the relationship with her, you don’t need permission. It is okay for you to choose what is right for you, who to have in your life and who to not have in your life.

And now, back to your mother. She told you that you are “not firm and strong enough to confront those kids… that if I faced them properly, they would probably stop… hold me for responsible because I wasn’t assertive enough”

Here is the problem with what she told you about being assertive: she wanted and expected you to behave assertively even though she taught you early on to not be assertive, not with her. She taught you early on that being assertive with her (and with others) means that you are a bad girl.

How do I know that? Because little girls and boys are born assertive. For example, a baby cries when she is hungry, not considering that her mother may be busy at the moment, so she shouldn’t be bothered. Hungry, the baby cries automatically assertive. You wrote: “I wasn’t very thoughtful or considerate as a child”- but all children are not thoughtful or considerate as children, crying when hungry, asking for food when hungry later on, saying: I want this!  I don’t want that!

You wrote (the whole sentence): “I wasn’t very thoughtful or considerate as a child. Fortunately, my parents who are sensitive and compassionate people, taught me”- as far as assertiveness, your parents, particularly your mother, taught you to no longer be assertive.

And then she complained to you that you are not assertive.

If you look back, do you remember specifics of how she taught you to not be assertive, at an early age?

anita