Dear John:

I didn’t address you for a long while but I kept reading all your posts and it has been a fascinating experience for me to get to know you on this thread. I didn’t address you because at one point on I realized that nothing I wrote to you (and nothing anyone wrote to you) stuck, nothing at all was considered. It was as if all  input by those who replied to you, slid off you like oil slides of new Teflon, when it is really effective, nothing sticks, nothing considered.

I write to you today because maybe, just maybe, a very, very small maybe, you will pay attention and consider. My purpose is to help you (“Help me please” is in the title of your thread).

First, what I learned about you, second, the Help part.

You are a likeable guy, you do have some good social skills. You use humor, you have a flowing way of telling things, when you do respond to those who reply to you, you say things such as: there is some truth to what you say, or you restate something that the person wrote to you, giving the impression that you heard the person and consider what you heard.

But you don’t. It is your social skill engaging the person, as if you are listening, or reading and considering what they are saying. In addition, you don’t get aggressive, you respond kindly enough and that keeps the person motivated to post to you again.

Only you considered nothing and repeat the same old, same old, monologue.

I learned that what motivates you is feelings alone, that is, Feelings with no touch of Insight. And this is what makes you so interesting to me, the extreme No Insight, All Feeling motivation and way of operation.

A term you often use, including in your most recent post, is “I can’t explain it”. No insight. When you responded to people, repeating something they said, it may sound like you were considering it, but that is your social skill, to repeat as if you were considering it, as if you were trying to gain insight. No such thing, really. It is only a social skill.

One more thing: no insight not because you lack intelligence. Now let’s look at your recent post and how feelings-devoid-of-insight looks like:

“the gal with the kids… I really do have feelings for her…I don’t think I will ever feel the same as I did my ex girlfriend for anyone… However I do have strong feelings for her… when I’m with her I fee good… I will always love her (the ex girlfriend) deeply… I was lonely.. I met my ex. BAM! Heart stopped!… Everything was better than ever… Something about my ex… I can’t explain it… I am so ready to have a life that I smile everyday. A life that I’m truly happy. I had that once for about a year and it was freaking amazing. Seriously have never been that happy in my life before. I want that feeling back so bad”.

This is your motivation: to have “that feeling back”. Throughout your thread you expressed no insight as to who your ex girlfriend was, nothing about her thoughts, feelings, motivations, values. You listed some details about her life, that is all, dry details.

What brought about that feeling you had with her may have been the way she smiled, something about her eyes, or her voice, I don’t know. Nothing more that something like that. Something that made you feel hope, an old hope revived big time.

One more thing before I get to the second part of my post to you. The people in your life, I think they feel quite invisible,  once they realize you don’t see them, don’t listen to them. They must be feeling alone, your daughters included. Again, you have the social skills, you will go camping with them, act in a likeable way, be helpful, kind at times, repeat what they say here and there, say something to indicate you heard them, but you don’t see them, don’t hear them, don’t know them.

Now to the second part of my post, the part where I try to help you (“Help me please”, you asked):

Push through that “I can’t explain it” wall, a bit at a time. Listen, try to get to know a person beyond the dry facts of their lives (how many kids she has, what kind of a job one has, etc.)

We are all motivated by the desire to feel good. You are not an exception. But because we are humans, to feel good, to feel content, if not happy or excited at all times (an impossibility), we have to aim at some insight. As the social animals that we are, we have to have some insight about other people, not completely, not perfectly, but some.

Without some insight, you drift through life motivated by the weather alone, so to speak: cloudy today, so I feel bad. The sun is out so I feel good. With some insight, you get to see some sun when it is cloudy. And when it is sunny, you don’t float up in the air and then fall down hard when the sun disappears behind a cloud.

With some insight, your daughters, others in your life, will feel heard and understood, that will make them feel better and in turn, a closer relationship will make you feel better too.

anita