Dear Ayumi:

I re-read and studied your original post and your second post. This is my understanding:

Your dishonest manipulation of him worked short term but not long term, Notice Chole’s share above, same thing.  She wrote: “I kept suggesting a break… in order to make him compromise. He did to a certain extent at first but gradually fed up with me and ignored me”

“To a certain extent at first” is the short term success.

“gradually fed up with me and ignored me” is the long term failure.

Let’s look at the long term failure you already experienced by suggesting breakups to your boyfriend:

“For the past 6 months, we have Skyped every day… now he doesn’t want to do that… he recently stopped telling me about little things.. He doesn’t say anything like that anymore! He even admitted to ignoring my message… And it’s not as if he even talks to me when he’s done!”

Basically, for the purpose of preserving the monthly celebrations of the date you met your boyfriend, you have been killing his feelings for you and sacrificing the relationship itself so that the relationship is not likely to arrive at that yearly anniversary!

And then, you are killing your own feelings for him, “I’ve started to feel numb to him the past 3 days”.

The dishonest manipulation, plus you initiating arguments with him (“I’m always the one starting it”), is moving the relationship to its ending. Now, even if the relationship lasts, he will not be happy in it and neither will you.

And so, I do agree with your evaluation that you are “the toxic one in the relationship”, and that indeed you are the one who needs to change, not him (“I want to change but it’s so hard for me”).

First thing I suggest is to let go of those monthsaries. Cross them off your calendar. Celebrate the traditional yearly anniversary if you make it to the year.

Second, no more arguments. Discuss things honestly and respectfully, listen to him, consider his position and his feelings. Don’t get stuck in what you want and proceed to do anything that comes to mind to get what you want. Instead, evaluate what you want. Ask yourself: is it really so important, can I live without this one thing?

Ask yourself: is there something more important (love, relationship) that I am sacrificing for something less important (monthsaries)?

I hope to read more from you.

anita