Hi everyone.

Firstly, thank you for your considered responses. So far, whatever my ultimate decision is, I have decided to be firm. Weirdly, one of my boyfriend’s chief criticisms of me is that I avoid conflict and am a “pushover.” I don’t really think the latter is true, but I do try not to get into arguments. But in this case I’m going to have to get over that fear and insist on a few things from him. I actually do believe we’ll work it out.

Secondly, I need to reiterate I do love my boyfriend and at least like most of his family. Those cousins are right now not on my happy list and that’s another thing I need to talk to him about, but for the most part they are good people. My boyfriend is not as highly educated as me but he does hold one graduate degree. There is a slight possibility that he’s jealous of my educational success, but he did turn down a place in a PhD program before he met me. He has faults and blind spots like anyone else, but I would never characterize him as stupid. PhDs in and of themselves are a bit ridiculous. They’re about the discovery of information rather than the utilization and that does not really work for his personality. I’m all about research; he’s all about application. The point is, even if I ultimately decide to leave him, and I intend to exhaust every other angle before I do, it won’t be because I don’t love him.

His family has also been touched by tragedy. He lost his sister just before I met him. I mention this because mothers love their children unconditionally or at least should. So his mom is a lovely vivacious generous person, but he’s her last surviving child. It’s not a defect in her character that made her say the thing I’m upset about – it’s because she loves her son and although I think she loves me as well and she has used exactly those words, I am not *her* child. He’s slowly getting spoiled by all this not because anyone’s rude, or uneducated, or mean, or jealous, but because they all want what they think will make him happiest. Unfortunately, that makes my negotiation of my place in all this rather difficult. If I’m going to marry this guy he needs to put me first and consider me his closest relative. He can disagree with me on things and we do from time to time, but I need a way to exist in his family where they look at me as his equal in all things. Given what they’ve been through I am actually asking a lot. I need it, and I won’t settle for less, but their ability or not to meet that requirement is not a fault of their character. That said …. still really angry with those cousins of his.

I’m in a tough situation here and it is emotionally draining and difficult to express without bias, so I need to reiterate that this is not an abusive relationship. My boyfriend before he met me was hoping to play the field and I told him within a week of our first date that while he was dating me he couldn’t date anyone else. He has never violated my trust. Guys before him asked me to quit school for them, but he never has. At no point has he coerced me into sex or anything else. He’s never threatened me or – aside from the bs with the cousins – belittled or embarrassed me. I know what an abusive relationship looks like and this is not one. We are having difficulties and I need to either negotiate for what I’m truly worth or walk. But we are in love and we do have a good history. If I leave it will be for my own development and my own self, not because I didn’t love him or felt that he was intentionally hurting me.