Dear Ayumi,

Hope you don’t mind that I have posted here since you have addressed the post to Anita. She has given remarkable advice as always and you have taken it in a very positive way which shows your sincerity.

As a response to your last post,

Reduce impulsivity by mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises. Some amount of impulsivity will always be there. Introduce pauses during the course of your day by reflecting on short vs long term consequences. The more you do it the better you become.

Learning to love yourself begins by recognizing that no matter what has happened in your life, you have an intrinsic self worth. Believing that is first and foremost. Understand what it is that prevents you from loving yourself. It could be something that you have habitually been told or something that you habitually tell yourself. Challenge that with realistic and rational statements.

From your example in this situation you have already done that nicely.

What you have written initially is that “I am the toxic person in this relationship”. When you say that to yourself you can modify that to something like – “I am not toxic all the time, there are so many beautiful things that I have done in this relationship. I may have done some things that are toxic but that does not make me a toxic person. Rather I will work at it and do my best to nurture this relationship.”

Whenever you find yourself talking to yourself in a self berating way you replace it with a more realistic self nurturing response. The more you take care of your well being, the less you will find the need to derive happiness and recognition from others.

Hope this helps

Take care.