Dear Anita

Thanks for reading my posts and replying. I am not able to get over him. I dont know what is love now. I am used to justify each of his non sensical action in my head and feel apologetic about my inner voice opinions. Plus in being with him, i have pushed myself in a position where i have lost my original self, my connection with my parents and friends. I am so unsure about everything and i dont know what i want in life. It sounds stupid but daily it is a struggle to survive one more day without thinking about ending it all. My inner self is in constant struggle there are two sides one which wants to run away to what i knew as normal where i had no real connect with my parents or real friends and only him and his family and the other side of mine which wants to stay away because with him i have become a bad person. I was a happy self made girl before i met him. I worked hard throughout my studies and career and i had dreams of doing something for my parents for me for my sister. All those times i lost in last 8-9 years while he did everything to achieve his desires. I was a fool in love. Why do i still keep thinking about him. I feel like i have lost all sense of self worth and respect. I was strong for sometime and then i have become weak.We are separated for a year and i cant seem to stop thinking what if i had maintained status quo, i would have died a slow death but no one would have known. I am now revealed with all my weakness and vulnerabilities. I am not perfect. Will i find someone to call mine. I lost so much time. And these thoughts spiral on. Till time i was paying his bills and acting as per his wishes he was all fine and when i stared asking questions he started behaving differently. I couldnt trust him then and now i feel i should not have done all that. But i want to get over him. Start again. Find myself. I want pain to reduce.