Dear knowledgeispower:

I will repeat your share in my own words, using quotes (it helps me process information when I do that) and then I will give you my best understanding:

About two weeks ago you met a man during a music event, “Handsome, kind, charming… he seemed perfect”. A few nights after meeting him, following some wine, the two of you had sex. It was your first time. You woke up the next morning “happy and contented” in his arms. Then the two of you agreed to “behave as if nothing happened”, to stay friends, and to not pursue a long distance relationship (he lives miles away from you) following the music event.

There was some texting the day after the event that you initiated, I understand. Ten days later you initiated more texting which he finally stopped replying to. It has been two days since your last unanswered text or texts to him.

Initially you “felt very happy with what had happened”. Following little texting, then silence, then a bit of texting and silence again, you feel disappointed, distressed and “desperate to find some inner peace around this”. You worry that you “might have put him off in some way”.You wrote: “(I) see this as a huge loss. He made me feel safe”.

My input: it will not be pleasant for you to read and consider what I write next, but long term, if you consider what I write and if you believe what I write makes sense, it will be for your benefit to read through. Your mental health depends on you seeing reality as it is. You are about to start university soon, a new beginning. Better not carry make-believe thoughts, unrealistic hopes and dreams that will take your focus away from this real new beginning that is about to take place.

It is difficult for a young woman to imagine that what was so very meaningful to her, what felt so incredibly wonderful can mean something different for the man involved. You asked in your original post: “How can I figure out how he really feels about me- whether he still has feelings for me, whether he even liked me at all, whether he’d want to do it again?”

My answer, you can figure it out by looking at his behavior: he did like you during the experience with you when it happened, at the time  it happened. He liked you, felt sexual attraction to you, then he felt sexual satisfaction and overall had a better day as a result of the night with you. Then he moved on and away from the experience. How do I know? Because he told you that he wants to behave like nothing happened, because he expressed to you a disinterest in a long distance relationship (living miles away), and because he didn’t initiate texting with you, and then stopped replying altogether.

He told you that he wants to be friends. The fact that he didn’t initiate texting indicates to me that he didn’t mean really that he wanted to be friends. Men and women often say to an interested party that they want to be friends so to soften the blow of not wanting to be in a relationship with that person. Often enough, lets-be-friends means I-don’t-want-to-be-your-boyfriend.

Regarding the safe feeling you had with him, that was just a feeling, a powerful, convincing feeling, but still, just a feeling. Not reality. So many, many women felt safe in the arms of men that in reality made their lives worse, not better, not safer.

Your safety, relative safety is in your career planning and execution, starting with attending university soon. It is in making wise choices for yourself not only career wise, but with men. Separate feelings from reality and evaluate men and situations as they are. Don’t assume that what you feel is what he feels. Don’t assume a good feeling that lasts for you will also last for him. Better take some time getting to know a man before getting physically involved with him.

Let’s look at the note exercise in your recent post:  you wrote to him, “Hope you’re OK”- he probably is okay. “I had lots of fun”- so did he, past tense. “there are a lot of things I feel I didn’t manage to clarify with you”- likely he is not interested to know those things. “I want to know how you felt about me then”- he liked you, was sexually attracted to you, enjoyed your company and the experience with you. “how you felt about me now”- he’s moved on, you are a girl he had a thing with, past tense. “I want to know if you’re really OK with us staying in contact as friends”- he didn’t mean it when he suggested to be friends. “I’d really love to get to know you a bit better”- I don’t think he is interested.

“What should I do?…We’ll be doing another course together at Christmas and I honestly don’t know how I should behave”

My answer: do nothing. He didn’t initiate texting. He didn’t reply to your last texting. Nothing is going on outside your hopes and dreams. If you see him at Christmas, do not redo what you did then, I can imagine your current distress will be doubled if you do a repeat. Don’t hurt yourself that way. Learn from the experience best you can. You can feel safe again in another man’s arms, and be safer in reality if you get to know him first and if indeed he is a man who will care for you after the sex, a man who in reality will make your life safer and better.

anita