Dear Anita

Thank you for your response. You are great at pulling out the key points and organizing them. You can call me Earth Angel or Janus whatever feels easier for you. It is great having a person I can share my feelings with. Ocean County College has a need for more chemistry and calculus tutors this semester, but I’m not sure if I will have time to do paid volunteer peer tutor and have time for my studies and seeking resources. I am glad today that my Anatomy and Physiology Lab and my Physical Geography class both did not give class assignments so I have time to rest and also do other assignments like catching up on chemistry. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my advisor about course plans and also possibility of graduating from community college in Spring 2021. That is the earliest I am hoping for to transfer to a four-year university where I can live in a dorm and be away from my parents and I am looking forward to it. In the mean time, I am seeking resources and have a counseling appointment at my college 9/25. I rarely see my old Ocean Pride friends from previous semesters and my new ones have course schedules that don’t match up so when one wants to hang out the other is in class. I am working on a meditation routine to help me focus more on my inner self and to make myself more confident. I hope that I can establish a good sense of confidence when summer comes. I may choose to apply for a summer job before summer rolls around because I won’t have the stress of school so I can work more flexible hours and this will give me time to be away from my parents. I am not sure of every step of the way, but I choose to live in the moment choosing to plan a little every day to get closer to my goals. I know that I don’t have to be a certain way or know certain things to be valid as my gender, I just need to find what’s right for myself at the moment. And what’s right for myself at the moment is to relieve tensions in my life, do well in school, build my knowledge and if possible see a job that works with my school schedule and if not then have one over the summer. I do not need to know everything like how to do car or house repairs and I will learn to manage money. Just because my knowledge doesn’t seem practical to my parents doesn’t mean I can’t survive in life and it certainly doesn’t mean my knowledge is useless. It is not easy trying to lessen the inner critic in my mind son I can focus on things, but I know I have people who help me build up my strength. Thank you Anita for always being here for me, always listening and helping me better understand my feelings. It’s people like you who make me realize that I am not wrong for society and give me hope to keep going for my goals. I have some questions: What are good ways to keep track of your goals? How can I be certain that what I believe in is not what others influenced me to believe? How do I break myself out of a negative habit? I feel like I can be too compassionate at times and sometimes I feel obligated to help people with their burdens. With my parents, I am obligated to help them whether I want to or not because of shelter and financial stability and I wonder if there are ways to avoid helping them in situations that cause strain and make a person have a negative habit. In my parents’ case, it is being judgmental while in my case it is being self-criticizing. I feel like my parents contribute to my bad habits and if I can’t escape from them entirely, maybe I can lessen the burden. I believe parents will always be able to place shame on their children no matter how old the child is, but that doesn’t mean I can’t lessen the shame so it controls my life. I rather incur my parents wrath and live in slight fear of going against their values if it means I can have a sense of being myself and be happy. Yet, their wrath comes with a shame that binds in which will only heal fully when I part ways with them. I do wish there was a way to be myself and not incur the shame of my parents. And the last question is Should I forgive a person who seeks forgiveness for hurting me? I know that forgiveness may help release the pain from controlling me, but the guy who sexually assaulted me in middle school (whom I saw Monday before my Ocean Pride meeting on campus) wants forgiveness and I feel like I’m not ready to trust him or let it go yet. I still need time to heal. I thought I was healed, but seeing him again brought back memories and now he wants forgiveness and I’m not sure how to act. Does it make me selfish if I don’t forgive him readily as he is asking to mend things between us? Is forgiveness truly possible? Even if I do forgive him, is it possible to truly let the pain go? I want to let myself be healed, but I still don’t trust yet so is it better to wait? Would the pain become buried deeper if I didn’t forgive and release it? There are so many conflicting thoughts in my mind and it also makes me wonder if forgiveness is possible with my parents (maybe forgiving them would allow me to release the hurts), but is it really good idea to forgive someone who has hurt you so much? Maybe with time when I’m away from them, I may forgive myself but not forgive them and I wonder if that is really forgiveness.