Dear Lizzie:

I am glad you realize that you have been toxic, or abusive to this man and that you care to stop these behaviors on your part.

You wrote: “I don’t know if I should just break up with him… Or if I should take some time off the relationship.. Or stay”-

My answer: if you cannot immediately stop abusing your boyfriend, take a break or end the relationship immediately. You should not keep abusing him while working on yourself so that in a future time you will no longer be abusive. The abuse has to stop now.

You asked for “some advice on how to proceed and learn to love myself, improve my self-esteem and stop projecting my insecurities on others”-

My advice: specifically identify the abusive (or toxic) behaviors, list them. Then notice when you are about to do this or that abusive behavior. At that point, take a deep, slow breath and do not do that behavior. No matter how you feel, do not behave in this or that way that you determined to be toxic.

For example, when you notice that you are about to tell him he is doing something wrong (“every time we hang out I point out something he is doing wrong”), take a deep, slow breath, and don’t tell him he is doing something wrong. Instead, say nothing. If you need to, take a time out, get busy washing dishes or such, distracting yourself. When you feel calm go back to interacting with him.

As you practice this, you will build confidence in yourself, a sense of control and contentment with your ability to live up to what you value. This confidence, control and contentment are parts of what you aim at (“to love myself, improve my self esteem”).

anita