brandy, i’ve had enough a long time ago.  unfortunately, i can’t just turn it off in my head.  I try so hard every day.  for instance, this morning when i woke up to go to work, the moon was almost full and bright, and instantly  she popped in my head(she loved the moon).  I really do work on trying to think of other things and such.  I hate it that i can’t go one day without her in my head.  I almost feel cursed in a weird way.  Like i’m doomed to feel hurt, wonder, and pain forever.   I hurt because I do feel like i forced her out of my life by being so clingy and insecure and that caused her to make whatever decisions she did.  I wonder if she did meet someone before we separated and If it was because of how i was behaving.  I have incredible pain in my chest because of how much i do miss her and that i still do love her.

I do want this to be gone, so bad.  It really kills me inside and turns me into a depressed poopy old man.  I seriously wish there was something i could just switch off.

I will do what you suggested though.  I will find something about myself i want to change and work on that one thing everyday.  It is very difficult though.

thanks mom for all these issues i have within myself.  LOL 🙁

seriously though, I do know that i’m the only person that can change these things.

I still can’t get over the idea that if she was to call me and want to try, that i know i would wake up out of this funk instantly, have energy and spunk, and be excited and happy again.  That’s one of the biggest things that bother me.  I hate it.  I want to be happy and excited on my own, for me!  Not because of some woman.

I really do love her and miss her, however.  A really big part of me wishes i would of never met her.  It almost feels like i’ve been ruined.

I feel stupid and ashamed to be like this.  Very frustrating.

thanks