I have not attended psychotherapy but I have been to therapy/counseling with a few different psychologists in the past. I was never able to muster up the courage to open about what I have expressed here, it was always more about why I was angry with my mom or stepfather, around the time of the divorce, as well as psychological check ups after I was released from a place where I was observed for my self harm tendencies / and my developing eating disorder. I have not self harmed or restricted my diet/binged/purged since then.

Psychotherapy today is out of the picture as I cannot afford to pay for it. Besides, I would like to say that I can find the strength somewhere within me to heal this HOCD on my own.

i want to say that this HOCD / obsessive compulsive thinking has really never been a problem in the past until the HOCD became a thing but I’m starting to see that my small but yet still very real eating disorder from the past, of restricting/binging/purging was also a form of obsession.

do you think that this obsession has stemmed from what I have shared about my sister or do you think it does even deeper than that? Potentially stemming from abandonment issues, because  that is an also very real thing that I experienced in my life beyond just feeling unacknowledged and alone as a teen. When I was 2-3 my mother abandoned me because of her alcoholism (she is now sober) and I didn’t have a relationship with her again until I was 7-8 when she regained custody of me. My father was also never in the picture.